To the One Struggling to Find Peace in “Single”

To the One Struggling to Find Peace in “Single”,

I know that it seems pitiful having to find peace in something as simple as being single. I know how difficult it can be to admit that being single makes you a little sad from time to time. There’s no shame in that. If anything, I find that absolutely beautiful and honorable. There’s a longing within you that wants to give the best parts of yourself to someone else. You’re wishing to enter a companionship that could potentially break every inch of you as a being, that’s courageous, that’s admirable. Don’t think less of yourself for struggling through the inner battle with being single because there’s a lot of complexity in the concept of being single, especially in today’s age when Facebook relationship statuses are abundant, pregnancy announcements plentiful, and engagement pictures copious.

The images we see on social media, the envelopes we receive in the mail inviting us to share in the celebration of our best friend’s wedding day, or even the Nicolas Spark novels we read can result in a poignant longing for something we don’t have, a mate. It can create a complicated mess of emotions within our spirits. For instance, there’s the idea of not being good enough; the belief that there’s something wrong with you; the vision that you might be single forever haunts you; the longing for children in the future is painstaking. I get it. I really do.

But, I don’t care if you’re 16, 18, 22, 28, 32, or even 40 my biggest hope for you is that you realize there’s a purpose for your lack of a significant other.

When you struggle to swallow the pill that is prescribed single, I hope you can focus on who prescribed you that pill. The Lord is the prescribing doctor. It’s not because you’re not “good enough”that He’s prescribed such pill. It’ll never be because you’re not “pretty or handsome enough”. It’s because The Lord is working through you in the single state that you are with great purpose. There’s a reason you’re single far greater than an earthly matter such as someone’s opinion of you or their lack to see your value. We may never know or fully understand the reasoning behind why we are single when we are, just as we may never see it coming when in The Lord’s perfect timing He finally plants someone in our lives to change the state of our singleness.

If I’ve learned anything, while I may not “understand” it, it is that in His timing everything is perfect and well.

I truly believe that when one is fully capable of nurturing and caring for a budding relationship in a Godly manner, with 100% dedication, that, that is when we will find someone planted in our lives by Him. This does not mean that you’re single because you’re incapable of doing so. I think this means that The Lord wants your sights and focus on Him or in another matter greater than yourself and your relationship status.

The key to finding peace in being single isn’t to question it. It is to accept it and find contentment in the plans The Lord has for you. If being single is the toughest pill I’m swallowing, out of ALL the pills life and The Lord prescribes me, I feel as if I’m doing pretty daggone good and so should you.

With every statement I make, there’s a disclaimer. With that being said, just because you’re single doesn’t mean that past relationships have failed because you’re incapable of nurturing it or that you’re foolish. I believe this means that relationship wasn’t the exact love potion God doctored up for you. There’s no greater beauty than in a relationship planted by The Lord. For in my mind, if it’s planted by the Lord I don’t think there’s any earthly matter capable of destroying it, as long as we continually feed, nurture, and care for it with its creator being our number 1 priority.

I truly think that if in everything we do, relationships included, we seek The Lord that there is no greater peace available.

 

You should be content with where the Lord has you in life.  It’s for a darn good reason! It may not make any sense to you right now, but it’s for a purpose that you and I are both single. Don’t lose sight of the concept that His plan is perfect and will reveal itself when the timing is meant to be.

Seek contentment in His plans.

Find peace in Him.

Through Him, you will find peace in being single.

In ending, don’t lose faith in Him or His plans just because the cards He’s dealing aren’t falling when you think they should. Play the cards dealt to you with faith and I’m sure the cards will return ten-fold what they’re meant to.

 

Remain faithful in all that you do.

Constantly seeking His peace,

D ♥

 

 

To the Guy Who Sends “Hey”

Dear Mr. “Hey”,

I really appreciate the thought you offer from time to time. It really means a lot to me that you think about me every now and again. It’s especially heartwarming to know you wonder how I’m doing. So I’m going to tell you how I’m doing.

I’m doing great, better than ever actually. And I’ll be that way the next 25 times you decide to text me, as well. So save yourself the 30 seconds of your bullshit time and text someone else…like maybe your girlfriend. Because you see, unlike you, I don’t have the urge to text someone I used to talk to every day while I’m in a relationship, that while to you, may be phony is very real to a sweet girl. I don’t have a beautiful “significant other” (it’s saddening she considers you one) posting pictures with me and showing me off to the world WHILE I entertain the thought of someone else, even if it’s in the slightest bit of a series of text messages that go something like this:

You- “Hey”

Me- “uhm…hey?”

You- “How are you?”

Me- “I’m doing great. You?”

You- “I am ok”

See, that’s the difference between you and I. I actually am doing great. I’m not out seeking enjoyment in the idea of seeing if a girl that used to love me will respond to a simple “Hey” text. I’ve been busy the last few months that I’ve not spoken to you, entertaining the thought and seeking enjoyment in the people that talk to me every day and genuinely care about “how I’m doing”. You see, if you REALLY knew me you wouldn’t even have to ask how I’m doing because you’d already know.

You’d know that although I am doing great, I struggle every single day to not text you when you happen to drive by my office. You’d know that since my Papaw passed away I’ve been the saddest I’ve ever been. You’d also know that I’m doing just fine without you. But that’s the thing. You don’t know these things. You don’t know these things because you’ve not been in my life the last few months. If you REALLY knew me, you would’ve realized that I chose not to speak to you at a public function because I had far too much respect for the pretty girl you had with you. You didn’t even offer her that amount of respect. Instead you uttered, “Oh. So you can’t even say hi?” to me as if I owed you even a “hello”. I should’ve told you to go straight to where you came from, and I don’t think I have to get any more specific on just where that’s located. But instead, I smiled and said “hey” and turned around and walked the other way even though you were standing with some lovely people I would’ve loved nothing more than to chit chat with for a few minutes. If you ever knew the girl you claimed to love, in those very moments you decided to be a glorified douchelord, you would’ve known that I was a stronger female than you bargained for, one capable of creating a life that doesn’t involve you anymore. You’d know I can listen to songs that we used to listen to together without a single tear shed. But above all else, if you actually knew anything about me, you’d know that while I loved you at one point and time, and perhaps still do, I’ve accepted that I was trying to give you the love I deserved. I longed for what I deserved when it came to loving you and the only thing you’ve proven to me is that I wanted that from the wrong person. They say one of two things eventually happen; people like you will eventually realize I’m worth it or girls like me will realize you never were worth it. I think they’re wrong.

While YOU may not have been worth it, the experience was.

While I can be eloquent sometimes and offer some pretty great advice here’s something that I should’ve said a long time ago:

Take that next “hey” text message and send it to a girl that cares…or shove it up your ass.

Either way, until you realize how ignorant you are or how undeserving of a girl like me, or even the one you’re with, you are, you’ll never change. And until YOU decide to change, I want nothing to do with you.

While once upon a time that made me question my self worth, I hope it makes you question yours. Because if it does, maybe just MAYBE you’ll pull your head out of your ass far enough to realize what you missed with me and what you’ll miss with the great girl standing next to you now, or even the one that comes after that.

In closing, just because I may be a girl that’ll always see “the light” in you doesn’t mean I deserve to sit blindly by in the darkness as you try to find the light within yourself.

 

Maybe some day you’ll be as good as I think you are capable of being,

 

D ♥

 

To My Papaw In Heaven

Papaw,

It still doesn’t seem real, yet the reality of it all is crystal clear.

It makes zero sense, yet it makes all the sense in the world.

Life without you doesn’t seem like any version of life I ever envisioned for myself. Not yet anyways.

It’s only been a couple months and nothing seems right.

I used to beam with pride and tell people when trying to describe who I belong to, “Well, I’m sure you know my papaw Lynn. Lynn Steinkamp, he lays brick and block. Well, that’s how most people know him anyways.” That way they could always draw the connection you, to dad, then to me.

But now…

I still beam with pride but I’m forced to say, “Well, I’m sure you knew my papaw Lynn. He laid brick and block for years.”

Past tense makes everything a little more real and that’s devastating.

I still catch myself saying, “Lynn Steinkamp is my papaw.” When I say that it’s typically to people who don’t know you’ve passed and then when I tell them the truth, it hits them like a ton of bricks…just like it does me every, single, time I’m forced to profess the truth.

There are still a lot of people who don’t know you passed away and sometimes I think that’s the hardest because I have to relive and re-listen to the “Oh my goodness! I am SO sorry dear. I know how much you must’ve meant to him!”

This life now that I’m living seems a lot like a merry-go-round. Except this one isn’t the one like at the fair. I can’t just hop off and walk over to the Lemon  Shake-Up stand when I want. This is a carousel I’m strapped into, taking ride after ride as day by day I’m forced to face another emotion regarding your passing.

They say all wounds heal with time and I know that’s not true. It’s not time that has helped heal what was once a super fresh, yet festering, wound. It’s been my faith in The Lord and I’m forever thankful that you were the one to teach me that.

I think the Lord knew that the example you led, by faith, would be the very example that would one day carry me through my most difficult days- the days that led up to your journey to your everlasting, eternal life up above.

You see, I was once incredibly selfish when it came to life with you. I could cry at the instant thought of having to live without you. That was all but true, until I realized how beautiful of a life awaited you.

I prayed endlessly that the Lord would grant you the most beautiful transition into the life that was just shortly ahead. I prayed for you to arrive there quickly, in a sense, an idea I would’ve never been able to wrap my mind around in the weeks before we found out the verdict of the trial that would soon await us.

The evidence didn’t point to an innocent ruling in the end and I knew I would eventually become imprisoned to a medical ruling I didn’t want to face, one that would lead to your fate, the fate of your passing. But I also found a way to become at peace with the ruling you and I would have to face together. I found joy in the idea that you soon would be reunited with two of your children, my brother, your parents, your brother and a mix of great friends all awaiting you in eternal paradise. I knew they’d be there to greet you with warm smiles, open arms, and in those moments I knew, no matter the “Earthly end” ahead you’d be just fine, which meant I, too, would be fine. I found laughter in the idea that come breakfast time in heaven you’d still try to talk or even potentially with slight force, Andrew into eating eggs. I found solace in the idea of you no longer, EVER having to experience pain. I even found a little bit of jealousy in the idea you’d get to eat some of Grandma Adella’s spinach soup without me. But most importantly, I found comfort in knowing God’s plans for you would work out right before my eyes.

I knew that each day I’d have to face, by your side, He’d grant me the unmasked strength to withstand whatever curve ball came my way.

I just hope you know I’m doing alright down here. I’ve always been honest with you so I’ll say I have my good and bad days when it comes to missing you. And I’m sure I always will. You were my best friend, my roommate for years, and the one constant I knew I could always count on. Although your physical presence is missed here on earth by me and many of other people, I feel your presence when I look at a beautiful mule, step out into the pasture and pet the horses, see sunflowers, or even when I find myself scoping out and grading brick work (even if no one does it nearly as good as you).

I listen to your voicemails from time to time that I still have on my phone and I always grin when I hear the same closing every time, “Call me back. Eight-one-two, five-two-five, nine-six-four-two…I love you.” It always made me smile and MAKES me smile because “four-two” and “you” rhyme and it just made my heart happy, in the simplest of ways, and still does.

Most importantly, I hope it makes you smile like it does me when people say your personality is living on through me. To me, that will be the best compliment I ever receive because you were and always will be my favorite person and if I can remind the world of you, that’s all I can ever hope to accomplish.

If it matters, losing you put a hole in my heart, a hole that only your presence, hug, and smile could fix. But that’s alright. That temporary empty space is one that I know will be repaired the moment you greet me in our “forever” home.

I hope you enjoy the peace without me up there because you know I’ll raise a cane and be the pain in your ass I always was when I get there. I can truly envision you saying, in regards to my ” heavenly homecoming” one day, the very words you always spoke to me when you needed a brick/block/stone saw cut, “take your time but hurry like hell.” Because if those are your thoughts, that means you miss me just as much as I miss you.

I love and miss you everyday, Papaw.

Your “Little Granddaughter”,

Desi ♥

 

[P.S.- Is it possible to ride bikes on the sand up there? (I hope that makes you chuckle like it does me). But on one final note, I now know why you always bought telephone book advertisements. That little blonde gal is both pretty and charming. She misses you too. Probably cause I’m a slightly harder sale ;)]

 

Reflections from a size 22, 22 year old

In today’s world we are all shamed for something.

Some of us are shamed for wearing too much make-up and appearing “plastic”, while some of us are shamed for not wearing any make-up and appearing “homely”.

Some of us are shamed for driving a brand new expensive car and being “flashy”, while some of us drive ole hoopties meaning we must “live off the government”.

Some of us are shamed for being a size two and being “anorexic”, while some of us wear a size twenty-two meaning we are “fat and lazy”.

Whatever it is, in today’s society we are all judged for the way we appear, the items we have, and the image we personify on social media. It’s a load of crap and I’m not afraid to say that.

None of this matters in the grander scheme of things though. In the Lord’s image we are perfect, regardless and that should be enough to keep all of us smiling. It works for me and I’m not complaining in the slightest bit.

But I often wonder if anyone knows what it’s REALLY like to be a size 22 at the age of 22.

It’s recently become knowledge to me that I’m “fat”. JK. I’ve known this since about the 3rd grade. That was the first time I was told someone wouldn’t be my friend because I was fat. I’ll never forget the consistent pain that statement would cause for many years. It’s perhaps one memory that will forever be etched into my memory. What a shame that even takes up a smidgen of space in my mind these days because I look back and laugh at the statement. Yeah, I may have been fat but I know for a fact I was fun…It was her loss and still is.

You see, I’ve forgiven the girl that said that because she simply didn’t know any better at the time. She still may not know any better and that’s okay, too. But for whatever reason I haven’t been capable of “forgetting” it and perhaps it’s because The Lord knows that statement electrifies something in my heart. It kindles a love within my soul for people, ALL people, because I know what it’s like to feel unloved for something as minute as my appearance.

By being someone who was/is ridiculed for something as simple as my weight I find life rather amusing these days because it’s so clear to me the people that are living life right and those that are living their lives defined by ideals etched into their minds by other people. In my heart I feel as if no one is born with the idea of not liking another person based upon their physique, race, or even financial status without the help of someone else putting those stigmas to work in closed minds. The people who find it a “chore” or an act of “good heartedness” to be my friend because of my thunder thighs or the extra weight carried in my derrière aren’t necessarily people I want to be my “friends”.

I’m rather content with who I am as a person and honest to goodness couldn’t care less about what people think about my “ass the size of Texas” or the extra dimply thighs that are exposed when wearing a bathing suit. You see, I’m Desiree and that’s all I’ll ever be and I’m quite okay with that.

But I think it’s time I shed some light on ACTUAL things that have been said to me or about me because I’m “bigger” than some.

Here are some of my reflections:

“She’s one of the most beautiful girls I know […] from the shoulders up.”

That statement cracks me up. I know the gentleman that said this about me. I even considered him one of my best friends at one point and time. He thinks I have one of the most beautiful faces? Great. But he forgot something below my shoulders that makes me even MORE beautiful than that…he forgot my heart. I’m really glad he overlooked the beauty in that or shit, I may have married the idiot one day.

“Desiree, you are hands down the best woman I know. I don’t know how you’re still single.”

A guy has actually said this to me. Not much time passed and the gentleman commented on the weight of a girl about 6 sizes smaller than me. Saying she’d be smoking hot if she wasn’t “as big”. Well sir, I think that gave me some insight on how some guys view girls…my singleness makes a lot more sense now. Thanks for the clarification. (P.S.- I told this guy he was an idiot for the statement about the beautiful girl that happened to be around a size 14/16 [which is pretty close to the national average].)

“Des, there’s not a doubt in my mind that if you were built like so-and-so you’d have guys blowing your phone up. You are so much fun to be around and have the best personality.”

Man. I think this is the part where it hits me that these backhanded compliments are a rather regular occurrence in my life. But this actually brings a smile to my face. I’m really glad I don’t have shit-for-quality guys blowing my phone up because they are pea-brained boys who seek value in something as shallow as my body. I’m glad I occasionally have a gentleman or two display interest because they think I’m witty, fun, and have a kind heart that could potentially be worth investing time into. In my eyes, quality will always outweigh quantity and for that, I’m really glad I have a butt so big it serves as a detour for some guys’ one-tracked minds.

“I don’t know why you’d run for fair queen. There’s no way you’ll win because you don’t fit the “image” of a typical county queen.”

This person was right. I definitely didn’t win fair queen and I definitely didn’t look like any of the queens from the past. I did get up on that stage and walk as if I was a size 6 and  owned it…I think. I spoke with authority and sincerity when I had to introduce myself. I didn’t speak in front of a filled grandstand as if I was someone who doubted myself because I was the biggest girl on stage. That’s just not me. I may not have been crowned queen at the end of the contest. But I was crowned Miss Congeniality and to me, that was quite an honor. To me, it said I may not have fit the bill for the judges who had the chance to speak with me for three minutes or watched me sashay down an aisle in an evening gown, to represent our county because someone else was a better fit for that and she really was GREAT, but I DID fit the ideal of someone who was “friendly and fun” to a group of about 20 girls. That meant more to me than anything. What really meant a lot was after the contest the amount of people who came up to me and said, “I called you being named Miss Congeniality.”

“Des, you’ll always be invited to any party of mine because you’re fun. I invite some of those other girls from time to time ’cause they’re hot…and sluts. But you’re here ’cause I genuinely like you.”

Lolz. I’d rather be invited to parties because I make a great beer pong partner, know how to make people laugh, and make an awesome grilled cheese at 3 a.m. after “the hot sluts” have either passed out, thrown  up, or gone home. I may not be “hot” or a slut, but I make a good friend. Good enough for me.

“You’ll make a guy really happy one day and make the best wife ever. It’ll just take someone who loves you for you.”

Shit. I thought that’s how it was supposed to work anyways. Joke’s on me I guess. I didn’t know other people got married just because they are lucky enough to find a dime in a world of nickels. I thought perhaps love worked in the essence of personality, how you work together, and how someone hopes someone will be capable of  raising their children one day. Whoops. Guess I was wrong about that… (P.S. I REALLY hope someone decides to wife me up one day because they think I’ll make a great momma, make a kickass lasagna, make the best of anything, and see me for…wait for it…my heart. [if they like Big Booty Judy’s that might just be a bonus])

“Des has had to work a lot harder than others to win people over because people assume she’s lazy…”

Yikes. That stung. It stung even more when I overheard a FAMILY member say that. But I guess to an extent it’s true. Based on a first impression I doubt people would ever look at me as someone who once could play volleyball with the best of them, move 200 cement block in under an hour, or be someone willing to stack hay all day long. But hey, fat must equate lazy, huh?

……………………………………………………………….

I could continue these statements for days but I think you get the point. Even if people don’t realize what they’re saying, words stick and sometimes, they sting.

It’s taken a few years (or about 15) to develop a backbone and realize that people really don’t think when they speak sometimes. That’s fine and good. I don’t hold it against them. None of the statements above define me or how I look at the individuals who have spoken such words.

Because I understand that in a world ruled by appearance, I’ll never be anyone’s first choice but I can most certainly hope that if this world should ever become one that’s governed by personality, spirit, or heart that I’ll be someone’s first pick.

I hope no matter who you are, if you’re reading this, you understand not a single person’s opinion of you matters as much as the opinion you have of yourself. Do WHATEVER it takes to shape the image you have of yourself into a positive one.

My greatest hope of all is that if you’re a 2 or a 22, you seek the Lord in helping define the reflection that is your image. For if you do, it’ll be a perfect one.

A Size 22- 22 year old,

D ♥

 

 

 

A Letter I Wish I had the Guts to Share with “That Guy”…A Year Later

They say time flies when you’re having fun. I concur. But on a deeper level, I think it’s safe to say time flies when you’re struggling as well.

It’s been an entire year since I wrote what I like to call my two breakthrough blogs. My “breakthrough” blogs were two blogs back to back about “The First Guy to Teach Me My Worth” (Click here to read that one) and “An Open Letter I wish I had the Guts to Share with ‘That Guy'” [Click here to read that one]. Both blogs were about the same guy and both blogs were the first time I really put myself out there as someone who had, had her heartbroken. Both of those blogs were the first time I really received MASS amounts of Facebook messages from strangers, people DM-ing me on Twitter to tell me that they related and it was so nice to see someone putting themselves out there to help others out, too. They were the first two blogs of mine to ever receive more than 1000 shares each. I never in a million years dreamed two blogs about me admitting that I was a little sad would ignite such a flame.

Looking back at the past year I definitely still have a lot of the same feelings regarding fair week and “that guy”. I’m sure many will be able to relate. Nonetheless, here’s “A Letter I wish I had the Guts to Share with “That Guy”…a Year Later”:

Dear “That Guy”,

It’s fair week again and to me that potentially means bumping into you, just as I did last year. There’s something about the fair that will always create a stir of emotion in me regarding you. Perhaps it’s because last year I was sitting in the show arena watching my cousins show their hogs and I felt eyes piercing me. I turned around to sure enough, see you standing there with her. It was honestly one of the most gut-wrenching sights to see. Not because you were with her and not me. But because earlier in that day you had said maybe you’d see me there and in the context of that text never did I anticipate you’d be there with another girl. I was clearly shocked.

In the middle of all the disarray that was created within my heart, I decided it was time to escape both the heat, faces I didn’t want to see, and most importantly- you. I left the fairgrounds because I couldn’t stand the idea of you even catching glimpse of me, in fear that you’d see just how broken I was. Although I appeared just as put together as I do any other day from the outside, on the inside I was tears tinted black with mascara falling down my blushed cheeks; I was fallen curls smashed into a pillow; I was the girl you always had the power to create havoc within, I was the epitome of beautiful chaos when in your midst. You always knew how to read me and even if I looked just like I walked out of the beauty shop smiling ear to ear, if you laid eyes upon me you’d know I was crying inside. You always had a way of reading my eyes, even if you weren’t able to see them. The flashes of you saying, “don’t give me that look” while sitting in the dark dance through my mind like the toes of a ballet dancer skimming the hardwood dancing to Mozart—beautiful yet daunting.

Like I said, the memories with you are both beautiful and daunting. For instance, the time spent with you sometimes helped me smile on the bad days. But sometimes, you were the root cause of my bad days. It was beautiful that I could, for the first time, offer anyone any kind of power over me. I was always so independent that I didn’t even grant anyone enough power to discuss my life with me, until you. That was beautiful. The daunting part of that? I gave you that power and you didn’t respect it or value it. It was beautiful that for the first time I could picture myself with someone for the rest of my life. It was daunting when you would mention things like “I would marry you tomorrow if you’d let me” then when tomorrow came you gave me what felt like a cold shoulder. You were beautiful and daunting. You made me feel alive and some days you made me feel as if life had been sucked right out of me.  But more than anything you were hot and cold.

Just as both winter and summer bring their own versions of beauty, you were hot and cold. Except in the grand scheme of things, neither hot nor cold brought into my life what I needed, at least not what I needed long term.

You see, I’m a very black and white person for the most part. I loved you and I mean that. I never once said anything to you I never meant from the bottom of my heart. You? I, to this day, still don’t know if you ever meant anything you ever said to me. And that’s a true shame. But I don’t value that. I don’t seek reassurance in knowing if you ever actually thought I was beautiful. I don’t seek comfort in knowing if you ever actually loved me. What I rely on to get me through the day now is that while to me, you were the world, to you I was just some girl.

To be “some girl” to any other girl may be disheartening. But to me, it’s encouraging. It’s encouraging enough for me to keep living my life with the idea that one gentleman will one day look at me like I looked at you. He will look at me and see the world, and if it’s part of the Lord’s will I will look at him in the same light I once looked at you.

In the mean while, I hope you continue to drive by my office so that when I look up to see your truck,  I see what “settling” looks like. I don’t mean that to discount you because I still look at you with a glimmer in my eye. I wouldn’t have settled for you as a person; I would’ve settled for the manner in which you treated me. You driving by gives me more and more reason to invest myself into relationships that return the love I offer to them. I was investing in empty stock at the time you and I were in dealings with each other. Just as the stock market takes turns, I hope one day you take a turn too. Not for me, but for other potential investors. I hope they double their investments because I ended up with empty pockets, or in this case- an empty heart.

You driving by used to give me the hope that you’d contact me and two weeks ago, you did. I ignored you. As a person, having to ignore you made me feel weak. Today, the end of relationships seems to be all about who “won”. By not responding, initially, I felt as if I’d let you win. But for the first time in two and a half years, my hope isn’t that I’ve won or you’ve lost.

My hope is that we stand on even ground. I hope that life presents you everything you deserve and then some. I pray the same for myself. While, I, once upon a time, had dreamed you were my “then some” and I was yours, the only thing I hope for now is that we both have the capability of trusting ourselves and trusting the Lord’s greater plan, instead of letting worldly matters determine so many of our choices. I know we were both entirely too guilty of that, looking back. But if I continue to trust myself and trust the Greater Plan,  one of these day’s I’ll stop wondering what you were supposed to be to me. Instead, I’ll just know.

In ending, everything I hope for myself, I hope for you.

I’ll never wish you harm,

D ♥

 

 

 

To All My “Drinking Buddies”

Dear Drinking Buddies,

If you’re reading this you probably already know it’s kind of an inside joke the whole title, “drinking buddy”. You were dubbed as a drinking buddy because one of my “real friends” said you were nothing more than a drinking buddy to me and hard times would reveal that.

It wasn’t too long after that, that hard times struck me. One of my other “drinking buddies” who you have come to know as “Papaw Lynn” became incredibly ill, super unexpectedly and far too quickly. She was right. Hard times would eventually find me and hard times would eventually reveal to me who my “real friends” were. She, the person who claimed to be a real friend, prior, was nowhere to be found. Whereas you, my drinking buddies, showed up at 11:30 p.m. one night to tear down a bedroom, get it set up for hospice with Taco Bell and beer. [You wouldn’t be real “drinking buddies” if you didn’t show up with Busch Light]. You drinking buddies of mine just dropped by the house to check on me after you’d known I had been up for 36 hours at a time without any sleep. You were the drinking buddies texting each other to make sure I was okay when I didn’t reply to a snapchat or text message for hours, sometimes days. You were the drinking buddies that showed up to the funeral home, on my birthday, to celebrate my favorite human’s life. You showed up in your Sunday best with smiles on your face. You sat behind me and the fellow grandchildren because in your hearts you knew that’s what you were to me, dad, and most importantly papaw. You were family. But to an outsider you were nothing but a drinkin’ buddy of mine. You wouldn’t be there in tough times for me and most certainly not papaw. But by golly, if “drinking buddies” is the title given to family, I guess it’s safe to say I love all my drinking buddies from the bottom of my heart, errr the bottom of my beer…???

Before papaw got incredibly sick you were the drinking buddies that would sit in the family room chit chatting away with papaw about anything and everything, whether it be NASCAR, the weather, or the price of beer. You were the drinking buddies that when we walked out of the backdoor on a Friday night together you would hear the words spoken from the recliner, “Be safe. Have fun. Love y’all.” Now, I’m not saying I know that papaw knew what he was saying when he said those words but I think it’s because he knew you were genuine people. You were the people he loved just as much as I did and it’s because even if we went out and drank together on a Friday or Saturday night, come a Wednesday morning and a dead battery- at least one if not three or four of y’all would have offered a jump.

You see, at first I thought how dare someone undermine the value of my friendships with y’all. How dare someone say, “they’re just your drinking buddies and nothing more. They’re just there to drink beer and it’s not because it’s with you. All they care about is drinking and getting drunk. When something bad happens you’ll understand.”

Looking back, I definitely understand what y’all really are. I understand that some of the best friends of mine are nothing more than Busch Light chuggin’ bar flies that don’t give a rip. When I say “give a rip” I mean you didn’t give a rip about missing a day floating on the river or in the pool, beer iced down, on Saturday to sit in the hospital with me. You didn’t give a rip about the missed hours of sleep talking on the phone with me at 11 o’clock at night to  make sure I stayed awake driving home from Indianapolis. You absolutely didn’t give a rip about the Busch Lights we didn’t get to drink on Thirsty Thursday when I was at home giving medicine to papaw every hour on the hour. What you DID give a rip about was: me.

You didn’t let your life, pride, or your drinking time get in the way of being the best friend you could possibly be to me. You were there, sometimes with a beer in each hand: one for me, one for you. But to me, if you’re there with a beer in hand, it’s better than not being there at all. And that’s why y’all, my so-called “drinking buddies”, will always have a special place in my heart…even if you’re not a “real friend” to the outsiders looking in.

In closing, I feel genuinely bad for people that don’t have “drinking buddies” like I do.

Bottoms up and arms open,

D ♥

 

Just a few of my “drinking buddies”. 

 

 

Dear Future Son/Daughter: 22 Important Things I Learned Before 22

I’m a few days late posting this as it was in my intentions to post prior to my 22nd birthday. I started this about a month ago because it was that time last year that I sat down and decided to write a blog as I was nearing the age of 21 and looking back on all the things I had learned through the years. I decided I wanted to write some of those down to share with my future children, if it’s in The Lord’s will that I become a mother. As I was nearing the age of 22 I thought it would be neat if I decided to add on to the list again with 22 more things I’ve gathered through the years.

Dear Future Children,

I’m not exactly sure when I’ll decide to give you these values and actually let you read them because it’s not through my words that you will learn. It will be through my actions. I sure hope that through the years of being your mother you learn these values not because I wrote them down but because I’ve lived by them. I have a lot of hopes for you but my biggest hope will always be that you leave a mark on this earth far better than I ever could. I don’t want to raise children just like me. I want to raise children better than me. With that in mind, here are some life lessons I think are important to living not just a life of purpose, but a life of quality.

1.) Life isn’t about safeguarding your heart.

Life isn’t about protecting your heart. It’s about opening your heart to the world. Afraid someone will take advantage? Let them. They have to live with that…not you.

2.) Helping a sick or troubled family member is hard on every one, but rewarding.

If you should ever have to take care of me one day, I’m sorry for the way I may lash at you because I’m miserable. This past year I’ve witnessed a lot of people close to me in varying stages of pain whether it be physical, mental, or even emotional. I even witnessed the last three weeks of life, step by step with your great grandpa Lynn. He was my best friend and I’ll be the first to say it can take a toll on a person. I hope you have a selfless heart because there are times you may have to go it alone. There may even be times that you pray to the Lord that he takes them from their suffering. Never stop praying for them and enjoy the days you have for you never, ever know when it will be their or your last. In ending, it will be stressful. It will be tiring. It will be hard. But the sore muscles, the hurt heart, and the bags under your eyes it will be worth it when you either help heal them or help put their soul to rest.

3.) You’re not on earth to “prove points” or “teach others lessons”.

Leave the act of judgment and lesson teaching (unless you’re a math teacher—then teach y=mx+b and get on with your day) to someone with a little more knowledge than you. Leave it to The Lord.

Don’t teach someone a lesson by being mean just because they did you wrong. The Lord will teach them as He sees fit. That’s up to Him—never you.

4.) In your 20’s you’ll lose a lot of friends.

I’m only in my second year of the 20’s and I’ll tell you one thing, I’ve lost a lot of friends. But I’ve made a lot of friends too. You’re not growing up if you’re not losing friends. By that I mean, you’ll gain your bearings and develop your own views on things during these years. Don’t be ashamed of them. Stay true to you and those that are true to you, will stay as well.

5.) Life is too short to be sad over boys or girls.

Boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you? You can be sad for a few days. But don’t let it define you or consume you. Find a way to re-define yourself, your life, and your purpose.

6.) You can’t expect to wallow with pigs and come back clean.

If you sling mud, roll in the mud, or even walk on the outskirts of mud there is a solid chance you’ll end up covered in it. By this I mean, don’t say mean things about others and expect people to look at you like you’re a good person. Don’t surround yourself with mean people and expect to be seen as a good person. Don’t be a pig and don’t hang out with pigs either (unless you’re showin’ them of course).

7.) “Cane poles are effective.”

It was a random evening sitting at the dinner table talking with your Grandpa Jody that I heard a story I hadn’t heard before. He caught 75 crappies one day using a cane pole for the first time. He said he was skeptical of how well something so simple would work. In the fishing world there tons of different lures, poles, etc. that can be used that work and some of them look super cool. But sometimes just a stick and line works just as well. Don’t be fooled by flashy-ness. Sometimes simple works just as well.

8.) If a boy/girl leaves you they typically come back.

These past few years I’ve let a certain someone leave and come back more times than I even want to be capable of counting. I’m not saying that they will come back to give you hope. I’m saying this because sometimes people shouldn’t come back. Sometimes they’re meant to stay gone and sometimes that means you telling them to leave you alone. In ending, I’m saying this because I had to learn on my own and so will you. Sure, I’ll tell you what I think about it but I hope you always follow your heart, even if your decisions lead to it being broken.

9.) Insecure people will always question your intentions.

People that aren’t comfortable in life or with themselves will question your intentions and reasons for doing what you do. As long as your intentions are pure and Godly, answer to no one. You only have one life to live and I hope you do it treating everyone the best you can. But don’t feel obligated to tell people why you’re living in such a manner. Live for the Lord. Live for yourself.

10.) Don’t complain about the smell of livestock or getting stuck behind tractors.

Scrolling through Facebook one day I had at least 25 statuses posted about how our entire town smelled like hog manure. I can guarantee you at least 90% of those people ate pork or used pork by-products on the regular.  I’ve seen people cuss farmers for being late to work. To me, that hog manure smelled like hours of toil and trial invested by farmers. To me, that smelled like another plate of food on the table for some undeserving, ungrateful whiner. Trust me, if farmers could drive safely faster—they would. Their time is just as important as yours. Don’t complain about anything regarding agriculture. If you do, I’ll make sure you don’t pick up a fork until you can give me 25 reasons the rewards of farming outweigh the smells or time you lost behind a tractor…

11.) Having a jealous heart will never return anything to you.

Jealously only takes away; it never gives. You cannot expect to be rewarded when you’re jealous. Be happy for others’ fortunes. Never find pleasure in others’ misfortunes.

12.) Only you can decide to have a great day.

There are too many people in this world that wake up in the morning and opt to let the universe determine their level of happiness for the day. Don’t be that way. Be the type of person that wakes up and decides to have a great day- no matter what news you find out, no matter how your boss treats you that day. The quality of your day is determined be you and your thoughts. You’re in control.

13.) Just because you can’t see the sun doesn’t mean you won’t get sunburnt.

Just because it’s cloudy out doesn’t mean the sun’s not there. By this I hope you understand that even on the darkest of days the sun still exists. Similarly, in life don’t let some clouds (negativity) dim your sunshine (happiness). Always fight to be the sunshine poppin’ through the clouds. Sometimes the clouds will win and that’s okay. But eventually the sun will shine again. Remain hopeful in down times.

14.) Don’t let someone make you feel dumb for being smart.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve never felt dumb for knowing something, but I have. I hope that you never feel guilty or like a loser for being intelligent. If you know the answer in class, always hold your hand up proudly. And if you’re wrong- don’t be ashamed. Ask why and do your best to understand. There’s a lot that can be taken from you in this world, your knowledge isn’t one of them.

15.) Find a bathing suit you’re comfortable in.

Lord knows I’ve struggled with my self-confidence in regards to my body. I used to avoid going swimming with friends or shudder at the thought of going to a waterpark with my friends. Self-confidence isn’t limited to girls. So son, I hope you’re never ashamed of how you look in trunks. Nonetheless, find a bathing suit you feel confident in because I hope you never, ever turn down an invite like I have in the past because you’re ashamed. Own that cellulite. Own that beer belly. The people that love you won’t mind those things and the people that mind those things don’t matter and I hope someone pees in the pool next to them fools anyways.

16.) There’s a lot to be said for staying silent.

Not all things require a response. You’ll learn this with time and I’m not sure I can even explain it.

17.) Breakfast is a celebration.

I’ll be the first to tell you that I’ve slacked the last few years and very rarely eat breakfast. But when I do, I always feel better about the day ahead. I hope we can enjoy many breakfasts together. Breakfast, to me, is a celebration of life. It means we made it through another night and are blessed to live another day. Breakfast should be a party, a celebration. I hope you’ll treat breakfast as such with me.

18.) Comparison is the thief of joy.

Good ole Teddy Roosevelt said that first and I find it interesting because he always compared our nation to others and wanted to be the best of the best. It makes me wonder if he died a happy man. Nonetheless, I hope you can be proud of who you are without comparing yourself to others. There will always be someone who has it better than you, don’t discount yourself. There will always be someone who has it worse than you, don’t upsell yourself. Be humble enough to be proud.

19.) If you buy new and have old, give it away.

If you are fortunate enough to buy something new and have a decent “old” one I hope you give it to someone who needs it. I’ve never understood people trying to get money “just cause they can”. If you don’t need it, can live without it and know someone else that needs it- give it away and never, ever expect anything in return.

20.) Your time is the most precious gift you can give.

Sure, diamonds are great. Cash is always awesome. Those are both things you can give away and replace. Your time? Once it’s gone, you can never get it back. Be gracious when people give you their time. Be careful with whom you give your time to.

21.) Never be too cool to talk to those younger or older than you.

I’ve sat for hours talking to those much older than me and I can tell you that I’ve never felt like I wasted my time. I learned so many neat things and heard so many great stories. Never, ever think it’s lame to talk to “old” people. You’ll be astonished at what they’ve been through and have overcome. Same goes for the young’ns. They probably admire you. Talk to them. Laugh with them. Play with them. There’s a lot to be learned from the simplicity of young minds and there’s always great opportunity for you to help mold the minds of the future.

22.) Always keep Thank You cards in stock.

There truly is nothing more important than making people feel appreciated. A simple gesture of gratitude like a simple thank you card goes a long way. I hope you always have a gracious heart and never have a pride too large to show it. And please, take the time to sit down and write a few kind words. A handwritten note is far better than a “thank you” text. It takes effort and to me, that shows genuine gratitude.

I still have a lot of learning to do kids. I just know that these are things and values I truly believe in and I think can help make the world a better place, especially if you do your best to execute them as I will continue to try to follow these same ideals through the existence of my life.

I hope you will serve as a light in a world that grows darker every day so that one day your children can do the same. With each generation we should only get better if we all live according to the belief that our children are meant to be better than us and we hold them accountable for that. Please, outshine me and make me proud.

All my love,

Momma D ♥

 

To The Guy I Thought I’d Never Get Over

Dear “That Guy” that I thought I’d Never Get Over,

As much as I don’t want to admit this, once upon a time I never thought I’d get over you. I really thought you were always going to be the guy I would always have feelings for.Honestly, I never thought I would ever have another letter to write to you. I just thought you would be one of those faded memories in the back of my mind that would never really go away. I never anticipated you would be like an old newspaper clipping: a part of history that eventually fades. I always believed you would be the hot-off the press Kodak picture that doesn’t lose its color. I believed the sting of losing you would be permanent, something I would have to live with every day. I correlated you to the scars that mark my legs, signs of a childhood defined by sports and painful falls.

The pain of losing you is no different than my scars and the things that caused them. The pain causing those scars, was indeed temporary. Now, I have nothing more than little visual reminders of those scars and the memories associated with them. Just like my scars, memories of you will always exist but they no longer cause me any grief.

I’ve learned a lot from my situation with you and although at one point and time I was bitter, even if I failed to show it, I am now better.

What I once thought was the weirdest feeling possible has been replaced by an even weirder feeling.

Once upon a time I would drive by the shop on the way to my office and see your truck sitting outside and my heart would literally hurt. It hurt not so much because you and I didn’t work out but it hurt because I didn’t know if you were okay. It hurt because I thought of you as the man I would one day marry and it felt as if the whole world was against us, doomed to fail. It hurt because I felt like if the timing would’ve been different it would’ve worked for us. It hurt because, well, I loved you. But that hurt has subsided into a weirder feeling.

You’ve driven by my office the last few days and I’m not sure why because you haven’t in a couple months. But, that’s not important. What is important is how it feels when you drive by now. What once would’ve caused my heart to shatter into a bunch of little pieces now gives me a renewed cleansing of peace.

The last few times I’ve seen your truck I haven’t felt the slightest bit of sadness. Instead, I have felt incredibly content.

I used to wonder where you were going. Now, I just hope you arrive safely.

I used to hope your name would pop up on my phone after you drove by. Now, I just hope you don’t have my number.

I used to want you to come back. And boy oh boy, did you always come back. Now, I just want you to stay away.

Where you’re going doesn’t matter to me anymore. I just want you to arrive there safely, because I still care about your general well-being. I would never wish bad upon you.

I hope you don’t have my number because I will probably ignore you and that’ll hurt me more than it will you.

I want you to stay away because when you’re in my life, that doesn’t leave any room open for someone else.

Quite frankly, I don’t deserve you and I never did. I deserve/d someone else.

I deserve someone who doesn’t require me to “get over him”. I deserve someone who doesn’t have to come back time and time again. I deserve someone who never leaves.

I’m not saying I require a fairy tale or anything like that. I don’t need some prince swooping in to save me and give me jewels and riches. I simply am deserving of someone who sees my worth and doesn’t have a wandering eye. I deserve someone who looks at me and actually believes they are with the one thing they don’t want to see if they can live without.

But you, you can obviously live without me and you’ve proved that.

You’ve done it temporarily for days, weeks, and even  months at a time until you decide to come back. However, the last few months I’ve learned that if you can live without me for that long, you can live without me forever.

With that being said, don’t come back.

I’ve only got one heart to give away and if I hand it off to you again, I might just miss out on the one guy who wouldn’t risk losing it, not even just once. Your actions have only proved to me that you don’t have an issue risking it all, time and time again.

Just as I wouldn’t hand someone with a gambling addiction a $100 bill in a casino, I’m not going to hand you my heart again because I don’t believe you would put it to wise use, let alone appreciate it.

In ending, don’t mistake this for me not caring. Don’t mistake this for me saying, “don’t ever talk to me if you need help”. Because if you know me well enough at all, I’d still be there to offer you any help I could. I’m just not willing to offer you my heart as I have in the past. Don’t get that twisted.

 

I still wish you nothing but the best, just not with me.

Sorry Not Sorry,

D ♥

 

 

 

Going All In

Growing up we were always told to follow “The Golden Rule”. The Golden Rule was simple. It simply meant, treat others as you would want to be treated. I still do my best to follow that pretty straight forward example on a day to day basis. But it wasn’t until recently that I discovered there’s a far simpler rule to follow in life: do unto others as Christ has done for you.

By this I mean that what we get from God, we should in return give to others, whether that be: comfort, forgiveness, or love.

To me, life is all about doing your best to love as Jesus does. There’s absolutely no way possible that any of us will ever halfway be able to succeed in that because we are sinners, plain and simple. But I think if we do our best to imitate the way He would live, love, forgive, and treat others that the world will be a much better place.

God grants us comfort in our times of need. Therefore, we, too, should offer those around us comfort in their times of need, no matter how “inconvenient” it may be. God loves us in a selfless manner. Therefore, we, too, should love those around us in a selfless manner with absolutely zero motive for anything in return. If you love just as The Lord does, you do it-just because. You don’t do it in hopes of making the news for some grand gesture of kindness. You don’t offer someone love with the motive of getting something in return. You do it, to do it. Plain and simple.

Forgiveness? To me, this is the hardest of them all to imitate a Christ-like forgiving attitude. It’s definitely not easy to do in a world full of people you consider ignorant, rude, and maybe even unlovable. But to Jesus, we are ALL of those things and He still continues to love us and most importantly, forgive us. I know, first hand, how difficult it can be to forgive someone because it almost feels as if you’re letting them get by with it or you’re saying what they did was “okay”. I don’t think it’s any of those things. I think that when you forgive someone and do your best to move on that you’re simply letting yourself off the hook, the hook of agitation, annoyance, and even bitterness. For when you forgive, you don’t let them off the hook—you let yourself off the hook. Your ultimate forgiveness in others gives you an inner peace that no one, not even the devil, can interfere with.

Life is a long journey in which we all will face a wide variety of obstacles and challenges. But to me, the only obstacles that ACTUALLY exist are the ones we see when we take our eyes off God. If our eyes and hearts are dedicated to The Lord no “bump on the road of life” can slow us down from reaching our destinations; no “curve ball in the game of life” will cause us to strike out; just like in the game of baseball you’re much likely to swing and miss if you don’t keep your eye on the ball–life is all the same. Take your eyes of God, you’re bound to have a failing batting percentage.

In a world full of distractions whether it be social media, work, or even school it is easy to believe the odds are working against us. But, I really think it’s quite the opposite if we live and let go. By that, I believe that all the favor is in our corner, if we allow it to be. We have the power to make sure that there’re no odds stacked against us- as long as we place all our bets, our bottom dollar on THE number 1 and THE number 1 being no one or nothing other than Christ Himself.

It seems risky allowing someone else to dictate your future when you’re so used to being in control. But with faith and handing your reigns to the Lord, there’s no risk at all—unless you’re afraid of pure and utter happiness.

Going all in on “The ONE”,

D ♥ 

Guys: Find A Girl Worth Finding

I’m sure if you’re reading this you probably “kind of” know me. You either know me because well, we’ve probably drank a beer or two together, you know some of my friends, or well you’re just downright curious what a crazy cat like me would have to say about a girl worth finding.

In this crazy game of life we are all bound and determined to find love or someone to share our lives with. I know, I know…you probably don’t want to read about love or the pursuit of it.But I think there’s so much emphasis put on the concept of “what women deserve” or the type of men they should be looking for. It’s not often enough I see any posts about the kind of love men deserve or should be looking for.

Find the girl that loves you for the rugged, oil stained blue jeans you show up in after a long day of work in the shop. Find the girl that loves the scuffs on your boots. Find the girl that doesn’t care if you run hogs all day or boardrooms all day. Find the girl that doesn’t define you based upon the clothes you wear, the job you work, or the vehicle you drive. Find the girl that would still have a sparkle in her eye if you were to lose everything.

Find a girl that will make the struggles of life not just bearable, but worth it. Life is rough, man. Life is rough, even if you’re a tough guy. Find the gal that makes you crack a smile every day. Find the gal that directs you to God in times of despair. Find the girl that prays for you every time she speaks with the Lord. Find the girl that takes your hand and walks through the storm of life by your side, fighting and ready to take on whatever challenge comes your way. Find the girl that just by being by your side makes the rough times worth it.

Don’t settle for the girl that looks appealing from the screen of your phone. Find the girl that opens her heart to the world, not just a girl who gets the most hearts on Instagram. Find the girl that brings so much life to your life that you don’t even feel the need to scroll through Facebook. Find yourself the girl who makes you laugh those deep, jolly belly cackles because she’s actually funny, not just because she retweets funny stuff. Don’t settle for the girl your friends will be jealous of merely because of the way she looks. Find yourself the girl your friends admire for her intelligence, the way she treats them. Find yourself the girl that isn’t loved for the way she looks, but for the way she carries herself and treats those around her. Find the girl that can converse just as easily in real life as she can over text. The person on the screen of your phone can be a totally different person in real life. Find the girl who is just as much fun in the reality of life as she appears online.

Find yourself the girl you would be proud to have a daughter just like. Find a tough girl that has remained fragile. Someone who stands her ground, but does so with compassion. Find the girl who tells the drive-thru worker thank you and tells them to have a great day with a genuine smile. Find the girl who will help a struggling elderly man at the store find the multivitamin he is looking for. Find the girl who embraces strangers as if she’s known them her entire life.

Find the girl who finds the positive in the worst of situations. Find a girl who is much more excited about what lies ahead instead of the girl who looks back in bitterness. Find an intelligent girl, one well-versed in a wide variety of subjects. Find a girl that can talk sports or baking. Find a girl that is well-rounded in the terms of experience and exposure. Find someone who appreciates all cultures for the diversity they bring the world. Find a girl who knows things about stuff you have no clue about but doesn’t make you feel stupid for that, rather she makes you interested in learning more about those topics.

Find a girl who has no problem admitting her faults and apologizing when she’s in the wrong. Find a girl who will tell you when you’re wrong, but forgives you immediately. Find the girl who acknowledges life is too short to hold grudges.

Find the girl you want to go on vacations with, to explore foreign lands and learn about other cultures. But at the same time, find the girl that takes you to a different world without even leaving the house because she makes you think about life on a deeper level.

Find the girl you want to create family traditions with. Find the girl you want to stay up late with on Christmas Eve to finish wrapping the last minute presents for your children. Find the girl you want to wake up early with on Sundays to get the kids ready for church. Find the girl who makes you want to take a random Wednesday off work just to go do something outside of the usual routine. Find the girl that wants to make you your favorite dessert, just because.

Find yourself a girl who makes you see the value of life, the value of people, and the value of a relationship with the Lord.

Find the girl who knows that life is defined by balance and keeping a level head, even in the midst of life’s hardest situations.

Find the girl who finds value in your work, in your family, in your relationships with others, in your hobbies. Find the girl who values you, for you.

Look for the girl who doesn’t make you question the word “forever”. Look for the girl who makes you believe that a love centered around God can withstand the tests of the world and the test of time.

I don’t believe in looking for just anything.

I believe in looking for things that are worth finding.

The key to finding things is making sure you don’t get lost or lose yourself in the process.

Guys, find a girl worth finding. Girls, become a girl worth finding.

 

Happy hunting and happy becoming,

D ♥