To The Guy I Thought I’d Never Get Over

Dear “That Guy” that I thought I’d Never Get Over,

As much as I don’t want to admit this, once upon a time I never thought I’d get over you. I really thought you were always going to be the guy I would always have feelings for.Honestly, I never thought I would ever have another letter to write to you. I just thought you would be one of those faded memories in the back of my mind that would never really go away. I never anticipated you would be like an old newspaper clipping: a part of history that eventually fades. I always believed you would be the hot-off the press Kodak picture that doesn’t lose its color. I believed the sting of losing you would be permanent, something I would have to live with every day. I correlated you to the scars that mark my legs, signs of a childhood defined by sports and painful falls.

The pain of losing you is no different than my scars and the things that caused them. The pain causing those scars, was indeed temporary. Now, I have nothing more than little visual reminders of those scars and the memories associated with them. Just like my scars, memories of you will always exist but they no longer cause me any grief.

I’ve learned a lot from my situation with you and although at one point and time I was bitter, even if I failed to show it, I am now better.

What I once thought was the weirdest feeling possible has been replaced by an even weirder feeling.

Once upon a time I would drive by the shop on the way to my office and see your truck sitting outside and my heart would literally hurt. It hurt not so much because you and I didn’t work out but it hurt because I didn’t know if you were okay. It hurt because I thought of you as the man I would one day marry and it felt as if the whole world was against us, doomed to fail. It hurt because I felt like if the timing would’ve been different it would’ve worked for us. It hurt because, well, I loved you. But that hurt has subsided into a weirder feeling.

You’ve driven by my office the last few days and I’m not sure why because you haven’t in a couple months. But, that’s not important. What is important is how it feels when you drive by now. What once would’ve caused my heart to shatter into a bunch of little pieces now gives me a renewed cleansing of peace.

The last few times I’ve seen your truck I haven’t felt the slightest bit of sadness. Instead, I have felt incredibly content.

I used to wonder where you were going. Now, I just hope you arrive safely.

I used to hope your name would pop up on my phone after you drove by. Now, I just hope you don’t have my number.

I used to want you to come back. And boy oh boy, did you always come back. Now, I just want you to stay away.

Where you’re going doesn’t matter to me anymore. I just want you to arrive there safely, because I still care about your general well-being. I would never wish bad upon you.

I hope you don’t have my number because I will probably ignore you and that’ll hurt me more than it will you.

I want you to stay away because when you’re in my life, that doesn’t leave any room open for someone else.

Quite frankly, I don’t deserve you and I never did. I deserve/d someone else.

I deserve someone who doesn’t require me to “get over him”. I deserve someone who doesn’t have to come back time and time again. I deserve someone who never leaves.

I’m not saying I require a fairy tale or anything like that. I don’t need some prince swooping in to save me and give me jewels and riches. I simply am deserving of someone who sees my worth and doesn’t have a wandering eye. I deserve someone who looks at me and actually believes they are with the one thing they don’t want to see if they can live without.

But you, you can obviously live without me and you’ve proved that.

You’ve done it temporarily for days, weeks, and even  months at a time until you decide to come back. However, the last few months I’ve learned that if you can live without me for that long, you can live without me forever.

With that being said, don’t come back.

I’ve only got one heart to give away and if I hand it off to you again, I might just miss out on the one guy who wouldn’t risk losing it, not even just once. Your actions have only proved to me that you don’t have an issue risking it all, time and time again.

Just as I wouldn’t hand someone with a gambling addiction a $100 bill in a casino, I’m not going to hand you my heart again because I don’t believe you would put it to wise use, let alone appreciate it.

In ending, don’t mistake this for me not caring. Don’t mistake this for me saying, “don’t ever talk to me if you need help”. Because if you know me well enough at all, I’d still be there to offer you any help I could. I’m just not willing to offer you my heart as I have in the past. Don’t get that twisted.

 

I still wish you nothing but the best, just not with me.

Sorry Not Sorry,

D ♥