A Letter I Wish I had the Guts to Share with “That Guy”

Fair time is my favorite time. From watching the Fair Queen Pageant on Sunday, attending the livestock shows, to strolling through the 4-H and FFA buildings there is absolutely no better time of the year in my book. The food is worth dying for. The fair is also full of exciting things to see and do. However, the local county fair is also filled with people: people you enjoy seeing, people you try to avoid, people you only see once a year, people you see every day, and people who flood your mind and heart with a wide array of emotions. Heck, a person can even be a mixture of more than one of the aforementioned types.

If you happen to be a fair-goer like myself and can say that there’s no one that you may bump into at the fair that resonates emotion within your soul, lucky you. But if you’re anything like me nearly every person you run across will create an emotion or two…or about a million. There are some perks of growing up and living in a small, close-knit community. However, at times that very aspect that makes me love home can be a curse.

I don’t want to say that this blog is about a guy. But it is. Celina told me tonight, “Des you don’t sugar coat anything in your blogs. I love that.” Well, I don’t plan on sugar coating any of the following material. So, if you don’t think you can handle what may OR may not be said in the words to come, I suggest you check out now. If you’re up for an entirely vulnerable, raw, and open article, read on.

“That Guy” is the guy you just can’t seem to be rid of. “That Guy” is the guy you envisioned your life with. “That Guy” is the guy you anticipated sharing a beer in the evening with your papaw at the infamous picnic table. “That Guy” is the guy you wished would’ve never left…but he did. “That Guy” is also the guy that seems to waltz back into your life, but temporarily only to vanish again and reappear in a month or two. So here goes nothing…….

Dear “That Guy”,

I happened to see your truck driving down the busy part of town yesterday as I was leaving work. I tried to slow down as to not get too close to you. I tried. But the flow of traffic just didn’t allow. I had to pass you. You saw me. I saw you. I acted like I hadn’t. And then boom. I get a Snapchat from you saying you had seen me and I looked beautiful as ever. In that moment, I couldn’t decide whether or not I should smile or crash my car into the next closest building because I knew within an instant my heart would drown in the memories and emotions. It did. I did my absolute best to suffocate those feelings and act as if nothing had happened. But I couldn’t. I was instantly happy all over again. All seemed right with the world for the first time in a long time. Call me crazy. Call me what you will. I still care. A LOT.

Then today, your name happened to pop up on my phone first thing this morning. It instantly reminded me of all the “Good Morning Beautiful” texts I once received. That put a bad taste in my mouth because I really do miss that and I know you’re sending that to another girl. If you’re not, shame on you. You should be. She’s far too lovely of a lady to not be receiving the BEST of treatment. Speaking of the lovely lady, I happened to see you with her this evening. I wanted to be upset. But I couldn’t be. It’s just not in my nature. I just couldn’t believe I would bump into the two of you not once, but twice. I’m sure my jaw had hit the shavings of the show arena and the tile of the local Mexican joint, the same Mexican restaurant I met you for the very first time, the moment I knew you were someone I needed to get to know. I suppose I just wasn’t prepared for that. As much as I want to say I’m over you, I’m not. Am I happy for you? Of course. Do I want you back? No. Do I still wonder about what we could have been? All the time.

You are so difficult to overcome. Some girls may compare you to the parasite they just can’t get rid of. But, you don’t necessarily cause any harm. You’re just always there. You’re the sweet aroma of a homemade apple pie that lingers throughout the house for hours after it’s finished baking. You’re the beautiful ringing in the ears after a sweet symphony rocks a concert hall. You’re you. You’re quite amazing. You’re not easy to just forget about. Perhaps it’s because you’re ALWAYS within close distance or maybe because I bump into you on the road, at the fairgrounds, or just in my mind. I pass your workplace every day on my way to work. I can see two colors and easily be reminded of you. I hear one of my favorite songs on the radio only to recall the band also happens to be your favorite. Your little reminders are everywhere and that makes it so hard to just move on. The only way for me to entirely move on at this point would be to entirely desensitize and discount all of my emotions. I’m sorry. It’s not quite worth that. YET. Another part that doesn’t make it easy to move on is, you happen to reach out to me at all the times when I’m missing you the most. I’m not sure how you do that. But it happens and it works. It reels me in to you all over again.

The hardest part about all of this is the concept that I know there’s still “something” that keeps us semi-connected to one another. I’m not quite sure what it could be. But it’s most certainly something. You’ve said the same thing yourself, recently. You always tell me you’re lost. I’m lost too and I just don’t get it myself. I don’t understand what either one of us are doing if we’re both being completely honest here.  I’ve been honest with you. I’ve been honest with myself. I’ve now been honest with 3/4 the world. I’m not entirely sure what any of this is. However, I am convinced that no matter what goes on I’m better for it. I’m better because of you.

One of these days it’ll make complete and total sense, for the both of us.

Until then,

Des ♥