To Throw in the Towel

For so long I had the belief that if I walked away from something I was throwing in the towel. I was giving up. I was quitting. I was failing. I believed that if you walked away from something that was hurting you, you would eventually end up broken. 

One evening as I was preparing to take a shower, I found my heart speeding up, my stomach in knots, and my chest heavy. It was in the moments after I recognized I was on the verge of a meltdown that I decided I had a choice to make. I could either look at my decision to walk away as throwing in the towel or view my decision to walk away as using the towel to wipe my face, exposing a new identity in which my soul so desperately needed. 

For as long as I can remember I have equated walking away with failure. I was brought up to dig my heels in when life got muddy and stand my ground. If one walked away from something it meant he was a quitter or that she was too weak to rise above. I struggled with the idea of admitting defeat and displaying the struggle by using the towel to wipe the sweat from my brow. What I am really good at is smiling. 

I’ve never been good at walking away from anything —  people, jobs, or unsatisfying commitments. My heart is a loyal one and perhaps that is one of the qualities about myself I am most proud of and one I consider a great strength. However, recently, this strength has been pushed to the extreme, creating a new weakness and new detrimental quality that I must face. 

Too often in life I have learned to tighten the mask, or the smile, I wear. I used to find strength in literally grinning and bearing it. However, over time this strength of mine has become almost too good. I know that won’t immediately make sense but let me explain. My ability to smile and dig my heels in a little deeper can sometimes grow my spirit tired.

 As ironic as it is I have found that sometimes the very thing that drains us is also the very thing that heals us. 

 

A family friend once asked me, “do you ever not smile?” And I shrugged my shoulders with a genuine smile across my face and said, “rarely.” It was true and still is. I have a unique ability to smile even through some of the toughest situations and while that is something I hope never changes about me.

But the reality of it is, sometimes the smiles I share are drawn so tight through a struggle that my soul grows weary by the end of the day. But do not misinterpret my struggle because as I am walking through life and I am doing my best to discover things about the person I am and the person I want to be, I have found that the smile I often share is for two people- the person I am sharing it with and my broken spirit.  I have uncovered that I do this because I know what it’s like to have a smile from someone else carry me through those tough days. I smile because I know there’s someone out there that needs it just as much as I do. However, all the same, I have discovered that while sharing a smile is easy for me it does not always match my broken and tired spirit. But in this journey of self discovery I have found that my smile, while sometimes it masks the way I feel, is a form of self-healing for me. 

We all have different ways of healing ourselves. For some it’s exercise or cuddling up with a good book. For others it’s baking Grandma’s peach cobbler recipe. But for me, it’s sharing a smile with someone else. Just as we all have ways of healing ourselves, we all have the capability to change our mindset on the ways we view things that are holding us back. 

You see, the towel I once was so afraid of throwing in has become a fabric of self-discovery. The other night, as I was getting in the shower chock full of emotions knowing I was going to have tears slide down my face as my spirit was riddled with hurt and disappointment, I realized the towel that I’ve been so afraid to throw in, was literally strangling me. Ultimately, I knew that the towel I was so ashamed of walking away from was holding me back. That evening as I stepped into the shower, I did not shed a single tear. I found my soul healed—with a smile and with a towel that I decided to find a new purpose for. I had a towel that I no longer wanted to view as a challenge to walk away from. 

Just as I said earlier, as ironic as it is I found that sometimes the very thing that shackles us can be the very thing that frees us.  

In this moment of clarity and revitalization I decided I would use the towel to wipe the sweat off of my face, embrace the challenge, and leave that dingy, nasty towel behind; as I threw it in and walked away I unveiled a new self-identity with a fresh face, a graceful smile, a spirit of grit, a sense of gratitude for the woman I am becoming, and the feeling of freedom from failure. 

It was in that moment that I realized to walk away from hurt, isn’t always to end up broken and to throw in the towel, isn’t always to fail. 

New Year. New You?

I don’t write as often as I’d like to any more. I wish I could nail down a “why” mainly because finding out root causes for things is one of my favorite pass times. It almost parallels my unique desire to find symbolism in every thing. I probably should have been an English teacher ’cause Lord knows I can pick a paragraph apart and imagine all the potential “reasons” for why an author picked a certain word or utilized a certain hyperbole in context. This infatuation with “meaning” has led to four super meaningful tattoos and the development of a bit of a hoarding tendency in regards to anything with the slightest bit of sentimental value. Similarly, I am also above-average at picking myself apart.

Woah. You probably thought  I was going to talk about something I stumbled across that displayed significant symbolism or one of those super sentimental birthday cards I found that I still have from my Scooby-Doo themed 9th birthday party, right? Well if that’s what you were in the mood to read on the porcelain throne before bedtime, you might want to Google something like “symbolism in Shakespeare’s Macbeth” or read my last blog about the symbolism behind a few Christmas ornaments I placed on my tree.

However, if you are willing to dive into a little heavier reading that might influence some self-reflection then, you’ve found this post for a “reason” (see what I did there…).

Nonetheless, as I stated earlier  I’m ALL about finding meaning even in the most mundane of things, situations, texts, etc. As you can imagine, this creates a LOT of inner conversations that I have with myself. Likewise, I have a lot of inner conversations with myself—about myself. And these inner conversations aren’t typically about why an author chose to correlate her ex’s mentality to that of a turkey (just in case you’re curious about the 10 dumbest animals check this out: Turkeys ranked second highest in stupidity. ) or why  Frida Kahlo almost always painted herself. Rather, these conversations are the ones that I have critiquing myself or recalling that one play I messed up in 5th grade AAU basketball.

You see, I am the type that is capable of seeking underlying beauty in the way movies end or admire the brilliance of a good dose of poetic justice when an author throws a curveball into the plot. But I don’t find it so easily to love myself or accepting the beauty that the Lord molded me with—especially that one tooth that sticks out just a smidge farther than I’d like it to. I also compare myself and my life to that of others way too often. I am not too proud to admit that. However, I acknowledged this most prominently within myself on the cusp of New Years.

I saw post after post about folks’ resolutions they were making for the New Year and I felt my chest get a little tighter as the pressure to compare built within me. I almost burst when I saw someone post “this year I am going to remove at least one item from my house every week” and if there were ever a case for wavering on the edge of human spontaneous combustion it was when I read, “New Year. New Me. I’m going to Love Myself.”

I preach all the time about being confident and loving one’s self for as they are at any given moment in life and a lot of times, I do love myself. But there are times where I put on my inspection glasses and go to digging at my own imperfections that often are rooted in the self-harming form of direct comparison,  comparison equivalent to drawing out a mental Venn diagram similar to that of the ones we had to create in World History that compared the Mayans to the Incas and seeing how different they were but digging to find the slightest bit of similarities. I do this same method when trying to put myself at ease, knowing I am almost like “her”.  I was comparing myself to this girl I’d never met before and longing to have a resolution that was as “life altering” or “cool” as this beautiful Facebook creature’s.

It was in that period of scrolling through Facebook, adorned with self doubt and writhed with desire to have a New Years Resolution that I could stick to, that for whatever reason I had one of those Oprah “AHA moments”.

What if I didn’t make a “New Year Resolution” but I made a “Desiree Resolution”? What if I dedicated and implemented some changes not on accord of 2019 but because of myself? What if I didn’t just say I’m going to do this, do that, and do this again? But what if I made the resolution to myself  that I was going to get more in tune with who I am and that I would make not one large promise to fulfill for the year but make multiple seemingly small changes throughout the year that would bring me one step closer to the Desiree I not only want to be, but need to be? I told myself, “what if your success isn’t based upon what you accomplish but how you feel?”

For those of you that are close to me, you’d know that the changes I’ve made perhaps aren’t super noticeable because they are very small things that I’ve done not because they’ll garner some recognition from the outside world but because they’ll bring me a level of inner peace and self-worth.

I told myself:

1- I was going to begin paying more attention to my body—not the way it looked but the way it FELT

I quickly noticed just how tired I really was. It took me two months of self-acknowledgement to hone in on the stomach pain that was always there and that I always wrote off as “oh I had a little too much dairy today and the Lactate just didn’t kick it” or “Yikes. I ate too much spicy food. The heartburn meds must not be keeping up”. Little did I know, I was experiencing something that quickly could’ve turned into a rather serious medical situation. I took myself to the doctor. Something that is a rarity in its own for me. I agreed to go on new medication that would mean I have to slow down to remember to take not just two separate times during the day…but FOUR… FOUR FLIPPIN’ SEPARATE TIMES. If y’all know me you know how I’d just about rather chew glass than to take medication once a day let alone four times a day. I told myself I would become more aware of my sleep habits (I’m becoming more aware I’m still just sucking at figuring out how to master this). I told myself I would get in better habit of washing my face and applying a moisturizer at night because there’s something remarkably rejuvenating about washing off the day and sealing in the freshness with a nice layer of Olay. These are all things I didn’t intentionally seek as forms of resolutions. These changes are small choices that I’ve just “found” in my attempts to listen to myself and do the things that bring me a little more peace.  By focusing on how I feel I have found that my looks aren’t all that important in regards to my happiness.

2- I would choose to say no—by saying YES to myself.

I type this through teary eyes because I’ve always been so capable of seeing the beauty in things and people other than myself and I acknowledge just how tired I grew. I grew weary of doing things to fit the bill for everyone else. I grew exhausted of saying yes to everyone else while saying no to my own desperation because I knew it would make them happy, all the while I was discounting my own value of life. I was exasperated from living a life that my mentality’s expenditure was at the investment of others’ happiness. I knew this and acknowledged that I had to begin listening to myself before my own heart’s voice was deafened to the point my soul no longer was capable of hearing it. I knew I was going to have to slowly start saying no not in the sense of bluntly telling others no but crafting my own scheduled based on my own desires in advance. I knew I could no longer wait for the invitation in which I would jump and say “yes”. I knew I had to start living by my own agenda with  my own priorities in place. I knew I had to start saying YES to myself, even if it meant staying home while everyone else had “Sunday Funday” plans.  I had to find the ability to say NO to others while creating the courage to say YES to Desiree.

3-  I would begin decreasing value in the person I can be tomorrow—by acknowledging the value I have TODAY.

I’ve always been someone to place a huge focus on the future and setting goals of where I want to be by such and such date. I created my first 10 year plan unknowingly in kindergarten when I told my family all I wanted for Christmas and Birthdays moving forward was money so I could save it back for my first car and college…yes. I was that child. I was the child that bought myself ONE name brand sweatshirt with my Christmas money and the rest went into a bank account. I was the kid that charged my brother Andrew hush money in the fifth grade time and time again to keep him out of trouble so that I could save more money. I was incredibly forward thinking at an interestingly young age. That mindset hasn’t really disappeared and back then, it was probably a huge  strength of mine. It deemed me as far more mature than my birth certificate and it really did help me when it came time to get my first truck. But perhaps the fact that I received SO much praise about that in my younger years escalated my strength to an unknown weakness by the age of 18, a weakness that has resulted in my focusing so much on tomorrow that I often forget to appreciate today. Similarly, I have done the same with myself. I invest a lot of head space into who I might be tomorrow instead of appreciating the person I am as I am…today. I often find myself saying “okay by 30 I expect this of myself” instead of reflecting on “here I am at 24 and this is what I have been capable of accomplishing”. I’m almost always looking ahead instead of embracing the present despite the complete understanding that the Desiree of tomorrow might not even exist…but the Desiree of today? She’s very real and very much alive. I should love Desiree 2019 as much as I look forward to loving the Desiree of 2020. 

I share some of the key components of operation “Desiree Resolutions” with you because it is never too late to begin seeking ways to improve your day to day life. I haven’t started with grandiose diet changes, committing to a mini marathon, or even a routine skin care regime; rather I’ve started by making daily decisions that are mindful of Desiree and create a sense of appreciation for who she is each and every day. I would also be a fool if I didn’t say that the vast majority of this didn’t stem from a place of faith. The Lord continually blesses me with guidance when I feel as if I’m faltering the most. It is in my faith that I continue to flourish. Through seeking Him and seeking myself, I have quickly found that “New Year. New Me. I am going to love Myself” is not about:

The New Year—it’s about living in the present.

The New Me— it’s about loving who I am AS I am.

Going to Love Myself— it’s about already loving yourself enough to acknowledge how you can grow.

And above all things, seek resolutions not for your own understanding. Through self resolve may you seek resolutions in hopes that you may accept the love of God and reflect that in your love of self and others. 

 

To God be the Glory.

Always,

D ♥

 

Seeking Solace through the Season

The lights twinkled bright from the Christmas tree emitting a warm glow filling the living room on this rainy day; I sat in the chair admiring the ornament placement and the newly added ornaments I purchased yesterday but at a given instant, I had a sense of sadness wash over me.

The Holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? The awkward truth is that while the Holidays are in fact wonderful, they often highlight a void in the hearts of those who miss loved ones. The Holidays are meant for bringing families together, being thankful, and celebrating our Savior. Yet, there are many of us who struggle internally with the idea that a family member, significant other, or a dear friend won’t be joining us as we gather to celebrate. For some of us, we’re missing those people and that longing for their presence leaves us slightly impasse to enjoying the Holidays.

I have struggled for the last few Holiday seasons wondering what it would be like if my brother Andrew, Papaw Lynn, or Mamaw Mary were still around. I know I would’ve purchased at least 4 more boxes of Chocolate Covered Cherries, two each for Andrew and Papaw as they were their favorites. I’m certain I would’ve rolled more pie edges than I ever thought possible while assisting one small and mighty Mamaw crank out numerous delicious pies for friends and family alike to enjoy. It is difficult to not consider the last Holidays you had with them without getting a lump in your throat and hold back the tears.

If you’re anything like me, it’s challenging to envision what Christmas used to be because you know that without their presence it will never be that way again. The idea of “never again” in our earthly lives is perhaps the most painstaking part about the Holidays without those we miss joining us. When you accept that you’ll no longer have to fight with your brother over the last piece of Cherry pie, realize Papaw can’t get worked up over a Euchre game and claim, “These cards are making me so mad I can’t even see straight”, or recognize the concept that you’ll never receive another handmade item from Mamaw, the weight of that realization is shattering.

I know there are many who can relate to my feelings all too well and I pain for anyone that experiences that choking back tears, gut wrenching agony of having to go through the Holidays with a piece of your heart missing, when the world around us tells us that the Holidays are supposed to be when you feel the most complete. It’s a lot of pressure to smile and be upbeat when your life will never be the same. But I am here to tell you, that while it may never be truly the same there is still beauty in the Holidays and we must find it deep within ourselves to cherish and celebrate.

Reflecting back on that instant sadness that washed over me earlier today, I must admit that discomfort was quickly eliminated when I took another long hard look at my Christmas tree.

Last year, I purchased three Christmas ornaments with intentional purpose. I purchased a beautifully beaded Cardinal, a football, and a little red wagon ornament. I bought those ornaments as a reminder of just three of the many loved ones I miss more than words can describe over the Holiday Season.

The Cardinal sits atop my Christmas tree, just below the star I know Papaw would’ve loved tenfold. Papaw Lynn LOVED cardinals and he never failed to tell me to come look out the backdoor when a cardinal found its perch on the tree in the backyard. Papaw Lynn, like his father and entire family growing up, was also a St. Louis Cardinals fan. I purchased that Cardinal ornament on purpose, knowing it would remind me of him and offer me comfort knowing that while he isn’t here to celebrate our earthly holidays that he is celebrating with our Savior and I will be reunited with him one day. I have placed the Cardinal near the top of the tree the last two years because when I think of the “over-seer” of the family Papaw Lynn comes to mind.

The football obviously represents my brother Andrew. I’m convinced if Andrew ever had a one true love, it was football. I cannot remember a Christmas where he didn’t ask for something football or sport related, whether it was the latest football video game or a Green Bay Packers jacket. The football reminds me of all the memories I have of him teaching me how to throw the perfect spiral, the countless times he whooped my butt playing Maddon on the Xbox (although I beat him far more often on NBA Live), and all the memories that exist outside of Football.

Finally, the little red wagon reminds me of the Radio Flyer I grew up riding around in as Mamaw Mary worked outside throughout the days she spent at home watching us kids whether she was taking care of her beloved flowers such as her Red Geraniums and her Purple Wave Petunias or perhaps she was pulling the wagon with us in tow as she was picking up sticks and fallen branches after a storm so that Papaw could mow when he got home after work. Mamaw Mary and us kids covered a lot of ground and put in a lot of work from that little Radio Flyer. Growing up with Mamaw Mary as our babysitter until we were old enough to go to kindergarten is perhaps the biggest blessing I will have ever received in this life. She taught us the ideals of hard work, what a pretty pie should look and taste like, that piecing together a quilt is true art, and embroidery coupled with a good mystery television show is one of the few things worth staying up to or past midnight for. I find comfort in the Radio Flyer that still sits in my garage and the little red wagon ornament that ordains the Christmas tree as it’s an earthly reminder of that beautiful woman.

The reason I am telling you this about these three, what would seem ordinary, ornaments is that the power to bring your family members to the Holidays exists if you can envision ways to implement their memory into your celebrations. While there is nothing on earth that can possibly fill the place of their missed presence there are ways to be reminded of them and those reminders can exist in the most grandiose of ways or just as simple as symbolic ornaments that are placed on your tree. The Holidays will always be beautiful if you intentionally seek ways to make them beautiful.

My Holidays, while sometimes a struggle, are still beautiful; for it’s a beautifully beaded Cardinal, a glossy football, and a little red wagon ornament that I keep my family member’s earthly spirits alive at Christmas.

In ending, the Holidays despite our earthly struggle always have been and always will be deserving of celebrating because I know that Jesus lives and through Him, our Savior- our missed loved ones live too. Ultimately, if not through some sort of earthly comfort I hope you should find it through seeking Him.

I urge you to seek solace and understanding through the very Prince of Peace this Holiday season and I will pray that you find it. For if you should discover it, the sadness may appear from time to time- but it won’t last forever.

Wishing you all of the comfort through Christmas,

D ♥

 

Wishing everyone peace through this Christmas season 

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Dear Future Son/Daughter: 24 Important Things I Learned Before 24

In the most recent past years I have written blogs with 21 and 22 (you can read those old posts by clicking on “21” and “22”) important “things” I’ve learned through the years leading up to my birthdays. Last year, I intended to do the same. For whatever reason, time slipped by and I never got around to it. I guess 23 isn’t an exciting number anyways. So this year, we’ll just jump right on ahead to 24. I find it fascinating to see how my perspectives and views on life change each year that I experience new circumstances, learn to overcome new obstacles, and simply learn to appreciate life a little more. With that being said, here are 24 things I’ve decided are important enough to share.

Dear Future Son/Daughter,

I never know what I’m going to say in these things until the moment I sit down to type them. Regardless, of always being surprised by what I come up with I hope you know that it’s not going to be through these lists you learn to live a life of value. But it will hopefully be through my example.

I’ve said it in the blogs before, my goal isn’t to raise children like me. My goal is to raise children that end up better than me. Perhaps if you learn these values earlier than I have, you will not only be greater than I am but have an easier time of it, too.

Nontheless, here are 24 things I have learned before turning 24:

1.) Find a job you love

Life is far too short to spend 40 hours (or more) a week doing something that doesn’t spark an interest in your heart. If you cannot see the value in the time you’re devoting to “make a living”, you’re not making much of a “life”. It’s key that you know sometimes you’ll accept job offers only to find out in a few short months, or even weeks that it’s not your “calling”. That’s fine. I hope you never feel guilty about quitting a job that doesn’t align with your morals, your values, or what you find important in life.

2.) Pray before you go to sleep every night

There is nothing that will settle your anxiety when you lay down at night quite like talking with The Lord. Your faith is your foundation to living a life of peace and happiness. Turn to The Lord EVERY night for I have faith He renews my heart for a restful night of sleep. Also, make sure your prayers aren’t focused on only changing YOUR world, but the world around you as well.

3.) Compliment strangers

Son, if you see a stranger in a parking lot and like his truck or his ball cap. Whatever it might be, tell him. Daughter, if you like a gal’s shoes tell her. If you like her lipstick shade, tell her. I know it’s kind of weird. But a little “hey dude. Sweet truck.” or “I really like that shade of pink on you.” goes a long way. You never know how a little compliment out of the blue can change a person’s day.

4.) Say what you mean, mean what you say

I’ll touch more on how just important your words are again here shortly. But learn to speak what’s on your mind but in a tactful way. Life is too short to stumble through life always trying to say “the right” thing. However, ALWAYS think before you speak. But say what you mean and mean it when you say it. Your word is your word. Words are of great value. Don’t waste them.

5.)Don’t allow your roots to grow too deeply

I was sitting in a Student Government meeting as a junior in high school when we were contemplating who would serve as Senior Class President. Our advisor told us to consider someone who would likely always be close to Jackson County and didn’t have a problem speaking at graduation. Within a minute, I was slated as Senior Class President. I told myself it was because they knew I’d give a good speech. But looking back, I think everyone knew I was destined to stay close to Jackson County. While for now, this is where I need to be, I hope you never let your roots grow so deep that you’re not open to worldly opportunities that may cause your roots to be stretched a little bit.

6.) Don’t allow your wings to grow too wide

On the flip side of things, I hope you never grow wings so wide that you forget where you come from. While some will call your past “overrated”, your past has a way of aiding in the way you define yourself. I pray that you don’t let your past limit your hopes for the future, but I hope it does in some way reinforce the things you believe, the way you treat people, and ultimately the way you enjoy your life. Where you come from, while it may not seem as grand as others’ upbringing, will undoubtedly play a role in your life. Don’t shy away from it. Embrace it.

7.) Don’t make plans around other people

I have often made my world revolve around other people and failed to make plans as I wanted. Instead I made the plans to exist around their ideas and not mine. I have ended up sitting at home from time to time because I made my world revolve around someone else’s plans and not my own. Your time is valuable. Value it as such.

8.) Do take the long drive home

Take the long way home, especially after a stressful day. If weather permits, roll your windows down and crank your favorite music. There’s something liberating in slowing down for a few minutes, getting some fresh air, and living through the lyrics of your favorite jams. Never live too fast to not take the long way home.

9.) Your friends should always be happy for you

I don’t care if it’s about a promotion, a new significant other, or winning $5 on a scratch-off ticket. Your friends should always be happy for you. Don’t settle for friendships that make you second guess the “goodness” of your fortunes or your rightfulness for being happy about those fortunes.

10.) Travel when you can

If you have vacation time and the resources, travel. I don’t care if you travel 10 minutes down the road to stay at a local campground, do it. To travel doesn’t mean you have to hop on a plane and go somewhere far away. To travel sometimes means simply leaving your house for a night. We often fall into a routine and while routine maximizes productivity it doesn’t always maximize living life to the fullest. Shake up your routine. Go to Mexico or maybe the algae infested lake up the road. Get out of the house and travel, both far and near. Traveling is good for the heart. I promise.

11.) Text people you haven’t talked to in years

Pick up your phone and find a contact you have from high school. Text them and tell them to have a good day. You’re never too busy or important to shoot a simple text that allows someone to know that you’re thinking about them.

12.) Don’t play in the kitty litter

I mean this in both a literal and figurative way. If you play in kitty litter you’re eventually gonna find a turd. Don’t feed into the catty games or drama of some folks if you don’t want to turn-up anything more than a nugget of crap. You won’t find gold when digging in drama.

13.) Time is the most valuable thing you have to offer

Your time is the only thing you’ll never have the opportunity to recoup. Use it wisely. Offer it to the people who deserve it most. Use it in ways to better yourself and the world around you. And NEVER forget that everyone else’s time is just as valuable as yours.

14.) Your words are just as important

Just like time, your words are something you can’t take back. Use them again, to better yourself and the world around you.

15.) Talk to the “uncool” people every chance you get

Sometimes the people who don’t seem to fit in with the “in” crowd have the most interesting stories to tell or the most beautiful perspectives about life. I have been in a variety of environments where there was a definite “cool” group and somehow always a few “uncool” individuals. I always felt more connected to the “uncool” people because they never put on a show. They were unapologetically themselves and there’s great beauty in that.

16.) Drink water

I know it’s crazy but I aim to drink at least a gallon of water a day. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I surpass the goal. Every day that I hit my goal, I feel somehow victorious and a lot more “with it”. Staying properly hydrated has a list of benefits I’m sure you can google but drinking water is important. Just do it.

17.) Listen to your body

Your body knows itself better than any doctor or Webmd.com article. Listen to it. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t give up until you get a proper answer from a professional. Chances are, if something feels “off” it is. Unless you’re a hypochondriac…then please never google anything.

18.) If you deal with the public, treat everyone the same- kindly

I worked directly with the public for years and trust me when I say, it’s not easy. If you should find yourselves on the front lines of dealing with people of all kinds, kindness goes the distance. Frustrated customers don’t care how pretty you are, how smart you are, or any of that other nonsense. They care about how kind you are and how willing you are to make them feel important. Sometimes, there’s not always a solution. But a genuine smile, a “I’ll tell you what I can do…”, and a sincere conversation will smooth things over 95% of the time. Also, if you’re ever on the “public” side of things, I hope you’re kind as well.

19.) Don’t get bitter, get better

There are many highs and lows in life. When you hit a low, it’s normal to feel sad and bitter. But don’t wallow in that. You’ll only find yourself digging yourself to a newer “low”. Instead, get better. I know that’s easier to say rather than do. There have been plenty of times in my life that being bitter would’ve been easier. But only temporarily. If I would’ve chosen to stay bitter it’s hard to say how much lower I would’ve ended up. Find a high to your low and get better in the process.

20.) Find what your good at and do it for “good”

If your talent is music, I hope you create music for the betterment of the world. If your talent is your words, I hope you utilize that skill to make the world around you more positive. If your talent is talking, I hope you talk nothing but positive affirmations and share those words to uplift the broken. Whatever your talent is, I hope you do it to improve your life and the lives of those around you.

21.) Walk by faith, not by sight

If you walk through life expecting to do so with the idea that everything must be “known” or “understood”, you are sure to be disappointed. However, if you walk with the expectation that there’s a greater power at hand that will guide your path where it’s supposed to be, you will live a life with a lot less stress. Walking by faith means walking with the certainty that nothing is certain beyond The Lord’s will and accepting what may come of it.

22.) The grass ain’t always greener on the other side

There’s always going to be something that seems better on the other side. Maybe it is someone’s car or the flashy six-figure salary of a stranger that catches your eye. Whatever it is, know that everyone wants something they don’t have. Perhaps that person with the brand new car totaled their old one and lost a loved one in the process or that man with the six-figure salary doesn’t have a family at all, meaning he dedicates his life to work. Whatever it is, the “other side” may not be what you believe it to be. Be grateful for what you do have and understand that there’s always more to a story than meets the eye.

23.) Do not work for “money”

If you’re working for money and money only you’re going to be a lot poorer than someone who works with the intentions of something greater than the green paper. Even if you hate your job and you’re there to collect the paycheck, work for the experience and the opportunity of learning something. Don’t just show up. Show up to your work and be present. Have clear and understood internal intentions. Be open to the good that can come out of a crappy job and a decent paycheck. Or, if you’re one of the lucky ones that goes to work and LOVES your job, don’t take it for granted just because your paycheck isn’t what you think it ought to be. Go to work for something greater than yourself and most certainly go to work for something far greater than a paycheck.

24.) There’s a difference between selfishness and self-preservation

Often times I’ve felt guilty for choosing myself because I’ve always been one to find those who only think of themselves as “selfish”. However, there’s a significant difference in being selfish and doing whatever it takes to keep yourself “present”. And by present I mean here, not just living, but living in the moment. To be present, you must live in the moment, in a state that no one can define or create beyond yourself. If choosing yourself over something that causes you to question your sense of “self”, your reaction isn’t to be mistaken as selfishness but as an act of self preservation. NEVER. ever. FORGET. that.

In closing, I still have a lot of learning to do kids. I just know that these are things and values I truly believe in and I think can help make the world a better place, especially if you do your best to execute them as I will continue to try to follow these same ideals through the existence of my life.

I hope you will serve as a light in a world that grows darker every day so that one day your children can do the same. With each generation we should only get better if we all live according to the belief that our children are meant to be better than us and we hold them accountable for that. Please, outshine me and make me proud.

All my love,

Momma D ♥

To Dance with the Devil

If you return to what burnt you, you can’t expect to be healed.

 

It’s been the longest stretch that I’ve gone without actually “talking” to the person that temporarily ruined me. The person that ruined me was “that guy” that I wrote about so many times in the past. While I find myself as far away from the girl I used to be, I look back not with sadness as I lost myself in the process. But I now look back with a strong sense of confidence. I reflect back upon those times with a smile, knowing I’ve become partly the woman I am one day destined to be. I know that I’m meant to be a strong woman with a vivacious smile, a love for life, and a heart that overflows with love for everything and everyone. I know that I’m to be appreciated, profoundly loved by a man for those things and not looked at as if I’m crazy. 

It wasn’t by personal choice that things went sour with me and “that guy”. It was much rather after a sequence of unfortunate misunderstandings and being treated in such a way that I eventually developed the understanding of what it was that I deserved, and most certainly what I did not.

If you’d have asked me a little over a year ago if I would ever give him another chance, I’d laugh in your face and say “no way”, which was nothing more than a bold face lie. At one point in time I would’ve given him every chance in the world. And if you ask my friends, they would tell you I did. I gave him every opportunity under the sun to make things right, to treat me right. Time and time again, I’d let him back in after hurting me again, every time he’d hurt me a little bit more than the time before.

As this behavior continued I realized that I had in fact lost myself and was giving someone parts of my heart that he did not deserve, let alone earn. I told myself perhaps this kept happening because I was built for it. I was tough enough to withstand it. I was able to repair myself each and every time and love him a little bit more after every time he left me hanging.  I told myself if I could overcome the difficulties just one more time that maybe he’d respect me the following time. I told myself that maybe he’d think about how wonderful of a girl he was jeopardizing forever with and get his act together. But the fact of the matter was, was not that I was capable of healing myself. I was more than capable of healing myself, over and over again. It was easy for me to love him more each time. I was more than able to forgive. I was pretty good at trying to forget. But what I was truly awful at, was loving myself enough to know the difference.

You see, I LOVED myself for being that one person that could brush things off and give people who clearly didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, another shot. I’d create excuses for scenarios that ended up in wrongdoings to me. I’d paint this perfect picture of strength for the outside world to see, while secretly my heart was an overworked, lifeless and dull canvas. My heart that was once so vibrant and beautiful turned into something I even had a tough time recognizing.

While, I still believe in seeing the beauty in every person, no matter how ugly their actions may sometimes be, and even seeing light in the darkest of situations, it is with a varied perspective. It is with the belief that while I still affirm people are good and that I do in fact have the power to heal myself, I know that I’m worth a lot more than ever returning to what made my smile a little less vibrant, my heart feel anything but empowered, and my appreciation for life minimal at best. 

You see, I know now that I was everything he could have wanted, in every sense of the word. But I wasn’t what I needed. I needed to become a person whose happiness didn’t rely on how happy I could make someone else. I HAD to become the person whose happiness relied on how happy I could make myself, by myself. I learned that it would never be in the arms of the person who broke my heart or in the arms of anyone else, that I would find the solace or courage to reinvent myself. It was truly only from within that, that would ever be possible.

Therefore, it is with great certainty that I can conclude, despite knowing I was dancing with the devil and having survived previous burns—

going back to what burnt you can never truly heal you.

 

~D

 

The Good Die Young

Scrolling through Facebook a lump finds its way to my throat on what seems to be an every-other-day basis. The lump isn’t one that’s created at the sight of an abandoned puppy or that of a sad scenario facing one of our coasts after a devastating hurricane. Rather, it’s typically something, or someone, that’s a little closer to home.

In the most recent past months I have seen a few too many “tribute” and “memorial” posts made on social media platforms for a few too many young people. It breaks my heart on a multitude of levels to know that so many people my age and younger have moved on to their next stage of life, a life that causes them to leave their earthly lives with all of us behind. It is with great sadness that I can relate to the siblings that have lost their brother or sister far too early in life. It is with great happiness that I can, on occasion, make a simple statement that perhaps makes the difficult time slightly easier for some.

I don’t hold the answers to all of life’s problems and I most certainly don’t hold the “right words” for times such as these. But perhaps, the words I’ve found on my heart this evening can impact the way each of us appreciate our own lives and the lives of those that are unfortunately foregone.

The earthly lives of so many young people are cut short by the standard we all find ourselves setting day in and day out. This might sound a little harsh but it’s how I think most of us feel. We expect to one day come home and hear the news that one of our grandparents have passed or that the old man who used to be our bus driver in kindergarten has a funeral visitation set for Wednesday night. But we never expect the 2:30 in the morning wake up call that one of our brothers or sisters have passed. We don’t expect to see the obituary of an underclassmen pop up on Facebook. We don’t expect to wake up the following morning with one less sibling in the house. We just don’t expect to lose people at a young age. Because well, that’s not how life is supposed to work. Or is it?

We all have these ideals that people are supposed to live until they’re “old” and that a life cut short must mean that “it was their time to go”. While both of those statements are so easy to say, they’re often much harder to believe, let alone accept.

No matter the age we lose someone there’s so many emotions that must be faced.

It’s the accepting of the “lasts” to me that was the hardest when losing my brother, another person gone too soon. When I think of the last Christmas we shared together, the last words we had spoken to one another, the last time I clutched his hand, all of the “lasts” seem to flood my memory at once and cause an indescribable ache in the heart and a wave of nausea. Those feelings never pass. Or at least they haven’t for me.

Perhaps those feelings are the most difficult to accept when they hit. Because when you consider the “lasts” it means there are “no more” to come.

I sincerely believe the “lasts” are the most difficult of things to accept when it comes to losing a young one. Mainly because they were never expected. A heart cannot prepare for losing someone young because even if it’s a diagnosis that says one will only live to be 12 or 22, that’s just not supposed to be the way life works. Or is it?

I have now said that a couple of times because in the last few years that I’ve gone unguided on how to deal with loss I’ve developed my own views on why “the good die young”.

Perhaps the good die young not because “it was their time” or that because “their purpose was fulfilled”. But perhaps they pass because it’s not either of those things. Perhaps they leave their earthly lives behind because they’re not meant to truly die.

As we all pass I believe we leave something behind. Perhaps we leave specific traditions to be followed for years to come or maybe we simply leave a little “catchphrase” behind to be said from time to time and as the words trickle off the tongues of those we’ve left behind a smile is drawn across their face, while their heart smiles equally as big. Whatever it is we leave behind, no matter WHEN we leave, we all leave some sort of legacy behind.

I don’t mean to minimize the importance of those who do live to see 80 or older, but I do, however, mean to magnify the significance that lives cut short have on each of us.

It was just a few short months ago that one of my dear friends lost her brother to a car accident. It was one of the first passings of a young person, since my brother Andrew, that truly “slapped me in the face” for a lack of better words.

Blaze was one of the most beautiful people I had ever met. He spoke with conviction when he talked about his love for ALL people, something that is rare these days. Blaze and I didn’t talk often but when we did it was in the form of Instagram comments or funny Christmas cards. He was maybe one of the youngest people I’d felt a connection to that had passed away, other than my brother. He lived states away and I only hung out with him in person a handful of times, but somehow I felt connected to him on a level that still surpasses my understanding. But with his passing, I truly accepted the statement that “the good die young”.

When I reflect back upon all the memories I have shared with those who have passed young, no matter how significant my relationship was with that individual, I truly believe that my heart is more beautiful for meeting each of them.

Each young soul my heart has passed, I’ve ALWAYS wished there was more of “something” in the world each of them offered. Whether it’s been the contagious smile of one, the profound confidence of another, or the recognizable, from a mile away, yet undeniably genuine laugh of someone else, there’s something about each of them that made the world we live in a lot more beautiful.

Those unique characteristics that each young soul shared with the world are the very attributes that allow them to live on forever; because as those of us who remain on earth live each day, those who have left us behind live to see another day, not in an earthly sense but in our hearts.

The lives that leave us far too soon, while cut far too short, have never lacked in purpose or meaning.

The Lord knows exactly what He’s doing when He places certain people in our lives and in the paths of the people the young meet. It is with profound conviction, I believe that everyone who crosses the life of a young one to go too soon, feels some sort of profound appreciation for life.

Because of those that leave us too soon, I feel that each of us feel like better people for having had the blessing to have known them. I feel that because of those that leave us too soon, the world ultimately ends up being more beautiful. Not because they’re gone. But because they live on.

With the people I reflect back on and realize have left us far too soon, I know that The Lord makes the most perfect of angels to leave the ways of His abundant love as permanent prints on the hearts of all they cross and sometimes, He calls those angels home a little too early.

While I know this is a hard belief to grasp, I believe the life that awaits all of us, whether we pass at 80 or 18 is not a temporary one, and it’s not just an eternal one, but a perfect one.
And because of that, I know the good die young because the good, while young, deserve a life that never ceases and a life that never disappoints.

Looking forward to the day I see all of the young again,

D ♥

 

To my friend Blaze and brother Andrew, thank you for showing me how beautiful life is—just for being a part, even if cut short, of my life. You both are missed and while gone, you still live on. I promise.

When You Give a Girl a Big Heart

When you give a girl a big heart…

“The girl with a big heart looks for angels in demons; with a golden heart, her love is refreshing. Her soul is pure. She’s everything that might just take the burn out of hell, a breath of angelic air that might just coax the devil to take the trip to heaven.”  

~ Hurricane D-Ray

When you give a girl a big heart strength abounds.

When you give a girl a big heart she’s perhaps the softest, yet toughest girl in the room. She’s the anomaly that no one quite understands, yet everyone longs to know. She’s the girl who adorns both grit and grace equally well as if both cuts and jewels. She knows that in a world that praises people for being cold hearted, she’s the outsider looking in. She’s the one that analyzes how the world can feel so little, only capable of imagining what it might be like if just for a day she could feel a little less, care a little less, and hurt a little less. Yet, everyday she wakes up and chooses to be the woman who fearlessly and selflessly loves everyone she comes in contact with.

While her softness is a beauty in its own, it is not to be mistaken for weakness. When you give a woman a big heart you secretly fill a delicate, beautiful teacup with a shot of whiskey. She’s strong, yet delicate to the eye. Just like the teacup isn’t expected to pack a punch, neither is the girl with the big heart. You never know exactly what the girl with a big heart is holding within. But if you should ever find out, like the whiskey in a teacup offers a beautiful burn, her inner-strength will satisfyingly stun you. If you should ever find yourself in love with her, it won’t take much to find yourself madly, deeply, intoxicated by the ways of her courageous heart.

Women with big hearts suffer through the pains of life gracefully. Women with big hearts know what it’s like to have to continually rebuild broken objects, like that of her own heart, time and time again, knowing damn good and well it’ll only be broken yet again. Girls with big hearts know exactly what it’s like to be disappointed and let down over and over again, simply because big hearted women give too many chances to people no one else would dare to offer.

To walk into a fire knowing you’re going to get burnt may be seen as ignorant to most. To the big hearted woman, walking into a fire means you have the potential to save someone. As every day passes she not only knows the pain of seeing someone in a less fortunate state, she feels it. When you give a girl a big heart, she feels everything within the webs of her inner fibers, all the way to her inner-most core. 

She very well knows that she could isolate her heart and not feel as much pain. She very well knows that if she didn’t offer so many chances her heart wouldn’t ache nearly as much. She knows very well that even though many dub her as ignorant, there’s someone out there that needs her big, open, faithful heart. The one person she can help is worth the hundreds believing her to be ignorant or weak. The girl with the big heart believes in saving people not because it saves them, but because in the end, it saves her. When you give a girl a big heart you give her the ability to find enjoyment in offering pieces of herself to the world. In seeing the slightest bit of happiness in another, the girl with the big heart’s own heart is renewed and her spirit saved.

When you give a girl a big heart you give her the ability to light up a room by walking in, the ability to mend broken hearts, but most importantly you give her the ability to change the world for the better simply by being in it.

 

 

To a Tired Heart

To the One with a Tired Heart,

I know what it’s like to want to give up. I know that feeling more than anything, especially right now. No matter the cause for the feeling, just know you can’t give up. If it’s a situation that is wearing your heart out, I hope you understand that walking away is far different than giving up.

To give up means that you no longer take control of your situation, your mentality, or your happiness. No matter how difficult the road you’re walking is, please never give up. You’re a beautiful person with an even more beautiful heart. It’s okay to say you’re worn out. It’s okay to say you’re tired. In being brutally honest with yourself and those around you, there’s strength. In faith, there’s even greater strength.

In life we are all forced to face a variety of challenges, some of us may feel like we’re forced to face more than others. That may be true. But no matter the toughness of the challenge at hand, you’re tougher. Whether it’s relationship issues with a significant other, financial issues, or struggling to come to terms with the passing of a loved one, there’s so much more to life than the difficult cards we are dealt.

No one in life is dealt a royal flush. This means the cards we are dealt are often difficult to play and there’s good reason for that. The cards we are dealt expire every 24 hours. We have the choice to make the best of whatever we are going through every single day. Sure, I’m sure you’re wondering how I can say that the cards we are dealt expire every 24 hours because some obstacles we face can last for days, months, even years. This is true. Sometimes we are dealt the same crappy card every single day. But every day that we wake up to face another day I also know we are dealt at least one good card. We are dealt the card of “life”. We are dealt the very card the provides our existence and because of that, there’s reason to have faith in a greater plan. Because of the fact we live to wake up another day, we have the opportunity to view the cards in our hands as we wish.

We can either allow those cards to determine how our day is going to go or we can determine how we are going to view those cards in our grip.

I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I wasn’t dealt some crappy cards today. But I also know even the WORST card sitting in my hand right now is nothing in comparison to that card of “life” sitting in my hand.

My heart is tired because I’ve been dealt one monster of a card every single day since my Papaw, my best friend, my everything passed away back in June. But I also know that I was dealt that card every single day for a reason. It’s taken me a long time to determine just how to view that card in a positive light, but at the end of today, I’ll lay my head down knowing I made it. I’ve made it because I refuse to give up. I made it because I have decided to change my outlook regarding that one asshole card, to a positive one.

Focus on the great one we receive everyday. That one special card is “life”, meaning our purpose here on earth has yet to be fulfilled. No matter the “monsters” of cards sitting in your hand, don’t fold. Ever.

I say that in confidence because I’d be willing to bet my very last dollar on the belief that God’s in control. He’s in control of every hand we are dealt, every single day. The only thing we have control over is how we react.

Find energy in your broken-heartedness. Find that energy through your faith. If you do, that tired heart of yours will quickly become a clean one with a renewed right spirit. I promise.

Playing my Cards Faithfully,

D ❤

Papaw: Thank you for showing me what it meant to have faith through your everyday example, even with a tired heart.

 

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a right spirit within me.” 

To Live a Year Without You

Bub,

To live a year without you, isn’t quite as literal as it sounds. I say that because I haven’t lived a year without you. If I had, that’d mean you were actually gone. But the thing is, you’re not.

You’re still here. You’re still here in every single one of us.Your physical presence may be missing. But your spirit? I believe it to still be here and very much alive.

If there ever was anything I’d hoped of myself it was always to make you proud. You were my first best friend and arguably the biggest pain in my ass growing up.

You were the best brother a girl could ask for.

Just as I told the crowd at your celebration of life, you always wanted to make sure I was the toughest girl in the world. You always wanted to make sure that the boys were afraid of me.I think it’s fair to say you’ve succeeded in that, as I’m STILL single. (LOL). Whether it was wrestling on Sunday nights or fouling me as hard as you could playing basketball, I somehow always stood back up. I may have had tears rolling down my face, but if there was anything I could make a solid bet on with you around, it was that if I were ever knocked down I wouldn’t ever let you see me stay down.

To this day, I’m still the same way. I may not be getting knocked down by boys bigger than me playing basketball at recess anymore and I may not be getting bruises the size of Texas from you anymore, but no matter what hits me in life, I always make sure to stand up, grit my teeth a little harder, and eventually put a smile on my face, altering my perspective. You really were the first person to teach me to find pride in grit and toughness.

You live on through me every time life knocks me down. Because of you, I know I must stand up. I must carry on. I really hope I’m making you proud, Drew.

But to live a year without you, has been a year with a few less laughs. A year with a LOT less brotherly/sisterly arguments. It’s been a year of longing, longing to give you the tightest bear hug. You always told me, I gave the best hugs. Probably because I was the only girl that when I gave you a squeeze, I made sure your feet weren’t on the ground anymore. It’s been a year of wishing to go to Santa Fe on a Friday night, drink a margarita while you drink a Corona and have you give me little pep talks about how boys are stupid and one day I’ll make a guy the luckiest guy in the world. I’ve scraped my plate at dinner the last year wishing you were pestering me on purpose by chewing with your mouth open or slurping your soup as you look over at me, distress on my face, only for you to laugh. To live a year without you means I’ve handed out one less ass-whooping at corn hole and that’s unfortunate. To live without you a year in physical presence has been a year of some tears here and there, but most importantly your lack of physical presence here has served as a mirror for me.

The mirror you’ve created for me is one that when I look at myself, I now know what my duties here on earth are. My duty is to spread love and positivity anytime and anywhere. The world needs more of that and your life truly showed me that. I’ll never forget when you told me, “the world would be a much better place if we all had a few more Des’s in our lives.” There may not be another Des, quite like me, here on earth but I can only try to give more of myself to others. For if I do, that means they’re getting a little piece of you too. For if everyone gets a little piece of you, you’ll never, ever be truly gone.

Mark my words Drew, although you’re gone

You will live on.

Fair Winds & Following Seas,

Des ♥

 

7 Misconceptions about the “Forever Single” Girl

• She’s desperate.

Let me put this belief to rest for you. In most cases girls that have been single for an extended period of time aren’t desperate. They are actually far from it. They are content in who they are as people and until they find someone that makes them want to be better women or brings more happiness, they will remain alone. In short, if they don’t envision life with you as an improvement, they’re most certainly not going to settle for any Tom, Dick, or Harry just ‘cause they’re “desperate” and need some male attention.

• She’s crazy.

Why is a beautiful girl single? Everyone automatically assumes she’s a lunatic waiting for a one way ticket to the looney bin. While I’ve seen this to be true in some cases, most of the craziest girls I know bounce from guy to guy because they need some sort of distraction to keep their crazy somewhat contained or because they thrive on being crazy and men are the perfect excuse to behave in erratic behavior.

• She’ll go on a date with anyone.

Being a long-term single gal myself, I can’t tell you the number of times people try to set me up on dates with people. It’s as if I’m incapable of finding a date for myself. Newsflash, if I wanted to go on a date with  just anyone I’d go out with one of the twenty-six weird guys inboxing me every day on Facebook. The reality is, I don’t really want to go out on a date with anyone. I’m focusing on me for the time being and until someone spectacular makes me want to place my priorities elsewhere, I’ll continue to turn down the dates that approach me or the dates others are trying to set me up on.

• She’ll be chompin’ at the bit to get back in the saddle again.

No girl that’s been single for a long time will be rearing to go out on a date or start talking to a new guy. If she is, revert back to number 1—she might be a desperate one. A girl that’s been single for a long time finds comfort in her independence and has built up a lot of walls over time. So the idea of letting someone in isn’t necessarily the most thrilling of concepts. It’s terrifying. So don’t be shocked if she turns you down a time or ten when you ask her to dinner and definitely don’t take it personally. Persistence will be key with a girl that’s been single for a while.

• She’ll be easy.

You might be a special kind of stupid if you think a girl that’s been single for a long time will be easy. Sorry not sorry. An independent woman will equate someone worthy of her time to someone who is willing to put in effort and willing to wait the long haul before taking things to the next level. The longer a gal has been single, the longer you’d better be willing to wait and the harder you’d better be willing to work for it. (If she’s easy, she’s desperate and don’t pat yourself on the back for winning that one.)

• She doesn’t want to get married or have children.

Women that have been single for more than a year don’t long to be alone for the rest of their lives. They simply don’t believe in dating to pass the time. They believe in dating someone who they can potentially marry one day and potentially raise a family with. If you don’t fit into that picture, single she’ll remain.

• She’s undesirable.

False.  She’s not undesirable; she’s untouchable. There’s a key difference to this piece. She’s untouchable because a girl that’s been single for a long time believes in herself and knows her worth. She’s able to work a room, make friends, entertain, and support herself all on her own. She doesn’t need a man to validate the sunshine she can bring into a cloudy room. She doesn’t need a man to verify her desirability. And she most certainly doesn’t need a man to confirm her worthiness because simple as it is, she does that all on her own.

 

If you should ever find yourself wanting to date the girl that’s been single forever remember: you better bring a lot to the table because a girl like her knows what she brings to the table and she’ll never be afraid to eat alone.

 

Signed,

A “Forever Single” Girl

D ♥